News item: The Supreme Court has turned down an emergency appeal from a New Jersey man arguing that Barack Obama is ineligible to be president because he was a British subject at birth.
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As we get closer to Jan. 20, there are too many lingering questions about Barack Obama's eligibility for the presidency.
So far, Obama has gotten away with hiding his birth certificate. Would it show that he was born on a Russian submarine and then rushed to a secret drop-off point on the Alaskan coast? Probably not. But that doesn't mean we should stop asking that and other ridiculous questions.
Perhaps the issue is not whether he was born in the United States. Isn't it possible that he wasn't born at all? I'm just saying it's not entirely out of the question that Barack Obama is actually an android.
And how do we know he's not from Argornia, in the star system Thraxos? Or that he didn't arrive through an interdimensional wormhole?
I'm not saying he did. But if Keanu Reeves came to Earth from another planet, it's not completely impossible that Obama - who, by the way, seemed to come from "out of nowhere" - is also an interplanetary traveler.
And why does Obama refuse to discuss whether he has gills instead of lungs? Or address persistent questions about rumors of a third arm in the middle of his back?
No answers have been forthcoming, but the Obama questions just keep piling up. For example, has he ever driven through Roswell, N.M.? Can he name the capital of New Hampshire? What happens after death? And do I look fat in these jeans?
If Obama continues to ignore these questions, lawsuits over his eligibility threaten to tie up the courts for years, leaving us leaderless - which, as the past eight years have shown, can be very messy.
Here are just a few potential legal challenges to Obama's presidential legitimacy:
Electoral College accreditation.
Obama cannot be elected because no nationally recognized accrediting agency has determined the Electoral College to be reliably accredited under the Higher Education Act of 1965.
Even if Obama was born in the United States, with no legitimate birth certificate, how do we know for sure that he is not 28 years old? I mean, just look at him. 46? Yeah, right.
With predictions of record turnout for his inauguration, which would hamper emergency vehicles and equipment in the greater Washington area, the Obama presidency constitutes a public-safety hazard.
Hundreds of crazed ideologues who have been working diligently to keep a duly elected president out of the White House could be forced to seek gainful employment if Obama is inaugurated, further swelling the ranks of the unemployed.
Electoral quid pro quo.
Obama entered into a tacit arrangement with a co-conspiratorial segment of the public whereby, if they were to contribute sufficient votes to his candidacy, Obama agreed to become their president.
Rod Blagojevich, William Ayers, Jeremiah Wright, Tony Rezko, the '68 Democratic convention, Al Capone, the Black Sox Scandal, Mrs. O'Leary's cow - and we'll close with "25 or 6 to 4." Come on, there's got to be something there!
Court of final appeal.
In the absence of Supreme Court certification, review and relief sought from TV's Judge Judy.