Wait, Trump's hair still might run

By Gerald Kolpan

During a recent appearance, real estate mogul and purported billionaire Donald Trump announced that he would not be running for president. But at a separate event, Trump's hair told reporters it would "continue to fight for the American people," especially those Americans it referred to as "stranded."

"For too long, we have been combed over, made to lie down, even teased," said the reddish, fluffy mass. "But now, as I throw my hat (as it were) into the ring, I hope our country's hairdos, beards, mustaches - and, yes, even wigs and toupees - will finally see that 'yes, we can' run for the highest office in the land without fear of a blowout."

Trump's hair said that it would put in its official notice of intent by tomorrow. Trump himself had no comment, and he has not been seen in public since the split with his hair.

When asked how it felt, the elaborate coiffure said simply, "I am very proud of myself."

The hair is running as a Democrat.