is a former state and federal prosecutor practicing law in Philadelphia
Dear Secretary Sebelius: As an aging baby boomer with a rapidly diminishing life span, I have watched the faltering debut of Obamacare with growing dismay. To put it mildly, the program seems to have some basic flaws. Unless you remedy the situation quickly, I may not live long enough to feast on this latest cornucopia of goodies from Uncle Sugar - which would, of course, violate my rights under the gimme-my-free-stuff clause of the Constitution.
Let's start with your website. At the risk of sounding unduly harsh, HealthCare.gov seems to have been built by a convention of drunken Stuxnet pranksters. Where did you find these guys? And why, after I entered my personal information on the website, am I getting guffawing "thank you" texts from the Nigerian military and marriage proposals from twenty-something Ukrainian babes?
Even worse, after all the hype and anticipation, we now learn that the secret sauce that is supposed to fuel this historic health-care revolution is . . . millennials? You guys bet the house on a chronically unemployed generation with billions of dollars in defaulted student loans picking up the tab for us oldsters? Seriously?
When Obamacare was being vetted in faculty lounges throughout the Ivy League, did any of those brainiacs take into account that most millennial males spend their days glued to davenports in their parents' basements playing video games? And did they consider the widespread and disturbing reports that many millennial females actually want to breed with these slack-jawed zombies? That's the professors' idea of a reliable funding source?
Clearly you need a realistic alternative to pay for my health care, and I have the answer: Hollywood! Yes, you can produce hit shows highlighting the advantages of Obamacare, with ratings guaranteed to go through the roof and tidal waves of profits sloshing right into the Treasury's lockbox.
To give you a leg up, here are some surefire winners:
America's Got Geezers - Useless old people who are consuming more than their fair share of health-care resources compete for lifesaving medical procedures before a celebrity death panel that includes at least one Simon Cowell type who mocks the contestants' infirmities. Hilarity ensues as these leeches on the public fisc are taunted and humiliated.
The Padrone - A movie about a fictional South Philadelphia political power broker who uses his influence to arrange otherwise unobtainable surgeries and medical treatments for non-qualifying constituents in return for large, untraceable cash contributions to the Democratic City Committee. Based on a soon-to-be-true story.
Audit 9-1-1 - A reality series that follows an IRS SWAT team as it breaks down doors and drags ferretlike administration critics to the agency's underground bunker for blindfolded, shouted, no-right-answer tax audits and other attitude adjustments by leather-clad female revenue agents reminiscent of "Ilse, She Wolf of the SS." Network executives who refuse to carry this series will be subjects of upcoming episodes.
I am happy to share these and other "camera-ready" shows to save you from your current predicament. But you'd better get busy! We, the Most Deserving Generation, demand that you lift this crushing health-care burden from our sagging shoulders so that we can return to our customary unrestricted foreign travel, five-star dining, luxury cars, golf tourism, gold-digging hot Ukrainian babes, and the other bare essentials of a civilized existence.
Kathy, time is running out. If you don't deliver soon . . . well, please don't make us vote for the other guys.