CHIP KELLY is dismissed after the end of a 2016 season that saw quarterback Tim Tebow pilot the Eagles to a 2-14 season.
It's the team's worst record in decades, but Kelly's offense sets a record for shortest time between plays, aided by the fact that it's easier to huddle after a 5-yard loss.
The last straw for Eagles fans: the spectacle of Nick Foles leading St. Louis to a Super Bowl victory.
Foles, clutching the Vince Lombardi Trophy, said he was going to Disney World, seemed to actually mean it, and thanked Kelly, former Eagles GM and coach, for giving him the freedom to go to a team that tailored an offense to his abilities.
Foles said he felt he could speak freely for the first time about his split with Kelly. When asked what led to the trade, Foles said Kelly told him he simply had "too many ACLs."
Insiders say Kelly fell out of favor with owner Jeff Lurie after a rumored locker-room incident following the team's season-ending 100-point loss to Dallas.
During halftime of the game, Tebow dropped to his knees and asked for assistance from a higher power.
When Kelly realized the higher power wasn't him, he flew into a jealous rage. The two had to be separated, providing what insiders say was the excuse that Lurie needed to dismiss his coach and GM.
Kelly, now receivers coach at New Hampshire, could not be reached for comment.
Flyers GM Craig Berube said head coach Zac Rinaldo has been promoted to director of player development, leaving the coaching job vacant for the time being.
Candidates include Dan Carcillo, who rejoined the Flyers as a winger on the team's notorious Kalishnikov line, enabled by the controversial signing of centerman Vladimir Putin.
The league placed Putin on suspension after the mysterious disappearances of any goalie who made a save on any of his shots.
"We thought Vladimir would be a mucker and a grinder," said one Flyers source. "Things got out of hand."
Despite that fact that Putin was a minus 247, he endeared himself to Flyers fans when he was implicated in the kidnapping and ransom of Sydney Crosby.
Many expressed support for Putin, saying the abduction was just another way of "taking the body," and therefore constituted Flyer Hockey.
Months have passed since Sam Hinkie was led away from team facilities in a straightjacket after being fired by the 0-82 Sixers.
He was heard to scream that one day, his accumulated 395 second-round picks would be validated by advanced analytics.
The teams owners had begun to question Hinkie's decision-making when he signed Mo'ne Davis to fill the void left by the departure of Michael Carter-Williams, and Kevin Hart to fill in for Joel Embiid, who now has boots on both feet, but retains the use of his hands, allowing him to accumulate 3.5 million Twitter followers, among them Jeff Ruland and Todd MacCulloch.
Hinkie, meanwhile, has been released following treatment, and is said to be working at a McDonald's in Plano, Texas, where he was tracked down by reporters.
He declined to speak with the media, but the manager said Hinkie, whom fellow employees refer to fondly as "Rain Man," has improved burger-to-bun efficiency 45 percent by rearranging condiment placement on the ready table.
The manager described Hinkie as "a real asset."
The Phillies' 2015 offense led the league in first-pitch swinging, second-pitch swinging and third-pitch swinging, including pitchouts and intentional walks, which Phillies hitters could not distinguish from sliders off the plate.
The team struggled to a 50-win season, during which Jonathan Papelbon made history by throwing at his own batters.
Cole Hamels led the league in earned run average on his way to an 0-16 record and, you know, was, you know, sort of pissed.
The one bright spot: Rueben Amaro Jr., elevated to league commissioner after MLB adopted Amaro's innovative solution to the pace-of-play problem.
After attempts to force the batters to stay in the box proved unenforceable, Amaro hit upon the idea of taking confiscated Adderall from players and distributing it among the fans. This led to the establishment of the popular Adderall Alley at Citizen's Bank park, and league-wide adoption.
TV ratings, alas, still languish.