Snowstorms in Philly may not be consistent, but these Philly snowstorm traditions are

Snow isn’t a constant in Philadelphia but after two big storms dumped on us just weeks apart this year, it’s clear some things remain predictably consistent during a snowstorm in Philly, no matter the year.

While all hail hasn’t broken loose yet we have fallen right back into our classic winter storm habits, some of which aren’t snow great. So put on your parka, pull up your boots, and come traipsing through our winter tropes with me, because if there’s one thing that certainly isn’t predictable during a snowstorm it’s SEPTA.

I love that people sled and snowboard down the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art after a snowstorm like it was a ski resort. It’s one of those traditions that gives Philly such a wonderful, joyous sense of place, but, like many of our beloved traditions, it is also a highly dangerous activity.

There is no ground beneath the snow here, just pointy stone steps that could leave your face looking like a Picasso painting if you hit them the wrong way. Even if you manage to stay upright the entire way down, it’s a bumpier ride than Philly’s pothole-plagued streets (which are certainly going to get worse after this storm).

Throughout a snowstorm and for five minutes immediately following one, Philadelphia looks absolutely stunning. But after those five minutes are up, things get real gross, real quick. The snow turns into lakes of slush and large, gray mountains of immovable ice, making the city look like a dumpster site on Hoth for the next five weeks.

It reminds me of that movie The Substance with Demi Moore, except the substance for Philly is snow. It makes the city beautiful for a short time, but in the end it just turns it into a bigger mess than it was to begin with.

Among the many reasons the snow gets so gross so quickly here is because some dog owners are under the impression that the laws of polite society freeze when the temperature does. Just because your dog left its pile on a pile of snow does not mean you don’t have to pick it up.

Then there are the really terrible, lazy owners who kick snow over their dog’s piles in an attempt to cover it up, thus leaving a very nasty surprise for unsuspecting pedestrians. While all dogs may go to heaven, there’s a special circle of hell waiting for those folks.

No matter how much snow is predicted or falls during a storm, it will inevitably be compared to the Blizzard of ‘96 by at least three people you speak you to, or three times by at least one person you speak to.

The Blizzard of ‘96 is pretty much our Beetlejuice, you have to say it three times or it doesn’t snow around here.

There are two types of people who travel out in Philly during a storm: those who are going to work and those who are going to Wawa.

There’s absolutely no rational reason someone has to go on a Wawa run during a snowstorm — especially since everyone waited an hour in line at the Acme for milk and bread two days before it hit — yet there they always are, sometimes in flip-flops, just picking up a cup of coffee like it’s something they can’t get at home.

I’m sure some folks go just in the hopes of being interviewed by the 6ABC reporter who’s doing live shots from the Wawa parking lot, and some do it just to get out of the house while their kids are at home. Whatever the reason, if you’re one of those people, be nice to the Wawa workers, who risked their lives to go to work so you had somewhere to go.

Few things will pit neighbor-against-neighbor in this city quite like savesies, the longstanding Philly practice of using an orange cone, folding chair, or any other inanimate object to save a parking space you’ve shoveled out.

Folks are either firmly for or against the tradition, but no matter which camp they land in, few are bold enough to mess around and find out by parking in a saved space, lest they become the recipient of a strongly-worded letter on their windshield, a knock at their door, or whatever curse has plagued the Flyers since 1976.

It could be 3 degrees out with a windshield of negative 10 and eight inches of snow on the ground and you will still see some dude out shoveling in shorts and an Eagles hoodie. In Delco, you will see several.

Do these men get hot flashes in their legs? Is their calf hair luxuriously thick? Did someone cut off the bottom half of all their pants? Inquirer minds (mainly mine) want to know!

During a snowstorm, someone you know will inevitable post a picture of themselves in Florida, where they snowbird in the winter or are visiting for Phillies spring training. The caption will say something like “Sorry to miss out on the storm!” or “Sending my friends in Philly sunny vibes from Florida!”

These are bold-faced lies. They are not sorry and they are not sending you anything but a hard time. Just rest assured in the knowledge that no matter what, you are in the greatest city in the world and they are still in Florida.