Finding joy in the high-stress environment of the operating room | Expert Opinion

I still remember the first time I performed a sternotomy. It involves running the saw down the middle of the breastbone in a straight line.

Never having done it before, I did not know how much force would be required or how I could keep it straight. All I knew was that the blade was oscillating faster than I had anticipated.

Overwhelmed with the concern that I could severely harm someone for the first time, I could hardly steady my hands from the adrenaline coursing through my veins.

Since then, performing a sternotomy has become relatively routine. But each time I enter the operating room, I think to myself that it may have been fine last time, but who’s to say that the next one would not be a total failure?

Though I continue to make progress, I find it easy to remain gripped by the fear of failure. After each procedure, I am always highly critical of myself and can only see where I fell short.

“That maneuver could have been smoother.”

“That repair stitch could have been avoided had I been more precise with my sewing the first time around.”

“That incision should have been straighter and smaller.”

A drive to be perfect should be a necessary component of anyone’s mindset when carrying out important responsibilities. But one of my recent cases has taught me this cannot be the only thing we fixate on. It reminded me of what I may have forgotten in my quest to become a good surgeon.

I was doing a difficult portion of a procedure and was becoming frustrated with myself. I made errors. I sighed. I expected the attending surgeon to express his disappointment in a moment’s time.

Then, out of the blue, the attending surgeon made a joke. All of the staff in the room began to laugh. I could not help but laugh, too. Instantly, the tension dissipated — from the room, from my posture, from my needle tip.

I joined in the lighthearted conversation and took my mind off of constantly scrutinizing myself. Then I allowed myself to just enjoy being in the operating room, taking in the splendor of what we were doing.

Oddly, I finished the second half of that procedure with much more fluency than ever before. I also left the hospital that day feeling much more confident in my abilities.

Sometimes, the easiest thing to forget during an operation is to remember to enjoy the job at hand, especially when the task is demanding and the cost of mistakes can be so high. For me, the rewarding moments are the good times I have had in the operating room working into the late hours of the evening, enjoying the feeling of working with my hands.

Throughout our careers, we will inevitably encounter circumstances that humble us. We will undoubtedly have moments when we will feel far from perfect.

However, we all need to remind ourselves from time to time to look up, to take a deep breath, and to have fun. At the end of the day, that is how we do some of our best work.

Jason Han is a cardiac surgery resident at a Philadelphia hospital.