My sister brought her new boyfriend to Thanksgiving and asked if we like him. Should I tell the truth?
(Which is no.)
The holiday is over but that doesn’t mean the drama has ended. I’ve pulled in two Inquirer Features staffers to help answer the familial conundrum.
Evan Weiss, Deputy Features Editor: Okay, the question is…
My sister brought her new boyfriend to Thanksgiving and asked if we like him. Should I tell the truth? (Which is no.)
Stephanie Farr, Staff Columnist: I think honesty is always the way to go, but when it comes to your loved one’s partners, you must tread carefully.
I definitely think you shouldn’t say no flat-out, but you could turn it around and ask questions of her: How do you feel he did? What do you like about him? What did he think of us?
Jason Nark, Life & Culture Reporter: This is a tough one because I’ve learned, after the fact, what people thought of partners. It would have been helpful to know their opinions ahead of time.
Stephanie Farr: I definitely brought a stinker of a boyfriend to Thanksgiving once, and while I didn’t ask what my father’s opinion of him was, I didn’t have to. My dad didn’t say anything about the dude and I didn’t ask because I knew and he knew and he knew I knew. If he liked him, he would have said it, there would be no need to ask.
Jason Nark: My mom has said “Would it have mattered?” It probably wouldn’t have. lol
Stephanie Farr: And I think that’s exactly the point! When you’re in a relationship with someone that you don’t want to leave — for whatever reason, good or bad — very little anyone says is going to change your mind. And if it’s your family, well then you start to think they just don’t want your happiness or understand you.
Jason Nark: I feel like there needs to be a devil’s advocate in life situations, the one relative who will get you the straight story. I would like to be that person but it’s hard.
Stephanie Farr: DRUNK UNCLE FTW!
Jason Nark: Yes, I’ll be the drunk uncle.
Stephanie Farr: Haha! I got one, he’s great.
Jason Nark: Then again, I would never want to be “I told you so” kind of person.
I think, if my theoretical sister was looking for a life partner and was very serious, I would express my concerns if I saw red flags. What if the guy rooted for the Cowboys?
But if it’s less serious, I’d probably hold back.
Evan Weiss: You really don’t want to be in the situation where you disparage the person so heavily and then they end up marrying them and it’s awkward forever.
Stephanie Farr: I think if you’re genuinely concerned about your sister’s partner, maybe pointing out specifics instead of disparaging the entire person is the way to go. For example: “I didn’t like that Brad didn’t say ‘Thank you’ to you for clearing his plate. Is he usually better about such things?” or “I noticed Brad spent the entire trip home watching football instead of hanging with the family. Was it us or is that how he usually is?”
Sow the seeds of doubt, if warranted, but don’t pull out the entire weed because you don’t know how far his roots have grown.
Jason Nark: Mostly, I’d want to see how he treats her in little moments. Does he ask her if she needs something? Does he laugh at her jokes? Is he family-oriented and not a curmudgeon?
We’re reporters after all, we’re great observers.
Evan Weiss: I think a big question for Thanksgiving specifically: Does he help out?
If he isn’t cooking... does he clean?
Stephanie Farr: 110%. I think that’s a big question when considering a life partner overall too, but if you want to impress someone’s family, offer to do chores! I can’t cook, but I wash all the dishes at my in-laws’ holiday gatherings (Bonus: It also gives me alone time. Shhhh!)
Jason Nark: I guess my takeaway is this: If you express your concerns, do it gently, with grace, knowing your opinion could be ignored.
Stephanie Farr: Yes, do it sneakily!
Evan Weiss: And don’t get mad if things don’t go your way.
Stephanie Farr: For sure, you have to be prepared to be the bad guy if you want to be brutally honest.