The Phillies broke our hearts. But Philly still found a little joy this week. | Weekly Report Card

Let’s start with the Phillies, because that one hurt. Two outs, bases loaded, one bad throw — and just like that, the season ended in disbelief. The bats vanished, the bullpen cracked, and a 96-win team built to win it all stumbled off the field like a ghost of Octobers past. Ninety-six wins for that!

The Eagles went ahead and made things worse. A 34–17 loss to the Giants — uninspired, sloppy, and straight-up joyless. The Flyers joined the misery parade too, because apparently we’re going for a clean sweep in pain.

Reddit summed it up perfectly: “This is the Philly sports I grew up with.” Another said it “felt like home — in the kind of depressing way.” We’ve had parades and we’ve had heartbreak, but this? This was the kind of night that ages you.

Two of Philly’s finest, Questlove and Quinta Brunson, linked up again, and honestly, this is the only collab that matters right now. Quest posted a video of himself dramatically lip-syncing a remixed “Let’s Stay Together” while Quinta dances behind him in a Phillies jersey, absolutely eating. The caption: “I promised Quinta a Game Night rematch if she’d be my backup dancer.”

It’s goofy, pure, and very on brand for both of them: Questlove being effortlessly cool while turning a living room into a stage, and Quinta turning a Phillies jersey into couture. Celebs like Gabrielle Union, Erykah Badu, Mindy Kaling, and JoJo all jumped into the comments losing it — proof that Game Night with Questlove is the only party worth RSVPing to.

Forget the Phillies’ playoff stress or the art museum’s rebrand, this was the week’s true masterpiece. It was exactly the kind of joyful Philly energy we needed this week.

A tie? Between Wawa and Sheetz? Absolutely not. Someone call for a recount — preferably by a guy in an Eagles hoodie holding a Shorti.

A new national survey claims Pennsylvania’s two convenience-store empires are neck and neck for customer satisfaction, both landing at No. 2 behind some Midwest chain called Kwik Trip. (Sure. And next you’ll tell us Pat’s and Geno’s are tied too.) The study says both Wawa and Sheetz are “building communities inside their stores.” That’s cute, but this is a statewide blood feud, not a book club.

Wawa’s the spot where you grab a coffee, an Italian Shorti, and a little dignity at 6 a.m. before work. Sheetz is the fluorescent playground for anyone craving mozzarella sticks at 2 a.m. in Altoona. They’re not the same.

Over a thousand Philadelphians just signed a petition begging the city to make Fairmount Park safer. You know things are bad when you can’t go for a bike ride or run without feeling like you’re merging onto I-76.

The push follows the death of a beloved local cyclist, and advocates are asking for the basics: slower speed limits, restored sidewalks, and fewer cars treating Belmont Avenue like a drag strip. They’re not wrong. Philly’s biggest park should feel like an escape, not a hazard course.

Still, this is Philly, where even fixing a crosswalk can take five agencies, two studies, and a decade. The plans sound good: traffic calming, sidewalk repairs, maybe a redesign, but none of it means much if it’s still “in the design phase” two years from now.

If the city actually follows through, maybe Fairmount Park can be for people again, not just passing traffic. Until then, the most dangerous sport there isn’t cycling — it’s hoping City Hall moves faster than PennDOT.

Congratulations, Philadelphia: you’ve done it. Out of 100 U.S. cities, WalletHub ranked us dead last for driving — worse than New York, D.C., Chicago, and Los Angeles. That’s right: the Schuylkill somehow beat the 405.

The reasons? Take your pick. Potholes that qualify as kiddie pools. A left-turn signal that lasts one car (maybe). Insurance rates that feel personal. If you’ve ever tried to merge on the Boulevard or survive Kelly Drive at rush hour, you already know this ranking wasn’t research… It was autobiographical.

Still, you almost have to admire the consistency. Philly traffic is the city’s great equalizer: no one escapes it, not even the mayor’s motorcade. And in true local fashion, we won’t fix it — we’ll just get really good at complaining about it.

Besides, this isn’t a city for cruising. It’s a city for yelling “COME ON!” out the window, slamming the horn twice, and then holding the Wawa door for the same person you just cut off.

The grade’s deserved. It’s just one long, eternal line of brake lights from here to eternity.

Every once in a while, a Philly-area story just makes you smile. This week, it’s Michael Bertrando — a sandwich maker from Kennett Square who answered a random call at work and somehow ended up becoming best buds with Mark Ruffalo.

HBO rang him up to be Ruffalo’s stand-in for Task, the Delco-set crime drama. Next thing he knows, he’s shadowing the Hulk, doing stunt work, landing a speaking role, and turning the set into a hoagie commercial for his family’s shop, Sam’s Sub Shop. Ruffalo even ordered their sandwiches for the crew — because apparently, Philly hoagies are now part of the Marvel cinematic universe.

Bertrando says the experience “fuel-injected” his passion for acting, which feels like the happiest ending since 13 Going on 30. Ruffalo suggested naming a sandwich after himself — “buffalo mozzarella” because it rhymes with Ruffalo — and Bertrando immediately said no. Philly man through and through.

Call it what it is: a feel-good local legend who proved sometimes you can chase your dream and still make it home in time to open the deli.

Philly’s rolling out yet another plan to stop people from dumping trash all over North Philly. Because apparently, the “No Dumping” signs haven’t been doing the trick the last 40 years. The city’s adding cameras, lights, and QR-code vouchers so folks can legally get rid of their junk instead of turning every empty lot into a mattress museum.

It’s a nice gesture — partnering with a youth group and a recycling company to clean up five dumping hotspots — but let’s be real: Philly has more illegal trash piles than SEPTA delays. Until someone actually enforces fines or makes a viral “Don’t Be Nasty” campaign that sticks, we’ll still be dodging abandoned toilets on the sidewalk.

If this works, great. But we’ve seen enough ribbon-cuttings and broom photo ops to know better. Philly loves a cleanup, just not the follow-up.

Somewhere between Mexico and Montgomery County, 24,000 bottles of Guy Fieri’s Santo Tequila vanished: a $1 million haul that never made it to Lansdale. Authorities say it was an international crime ring. We say: was anyone actually buying it?

Apparently, scammers posed as a legit freight company, spoofed GPS signals, and drove straight out of Flavortown with two truckloads of booze. Half of it was later found in an L.A. warehouse, meaning the other half is probably fueling one incredible house party.

Fieri called it a “dark day,” but honestly? If there’s ever a heist that feels on-brand for the Mayor of Donkey Sauce, it’s this one. Cargo theft, fake paperwork, a tequila empire gone rogue. It’s giving Fast & Furious: The Margarita Drift.

Still, respect to the thieves. Pulling off a multimillion-dollar tequila heist in this economy? That’s flavor with a capital F. Meanwhile, somewhere in Lansdale, someone’s still waiting on their margarita mix delivery.