Just a few months ago, my social life was reduced to eye-scowling at neighbors whose noses had crept above their masks. But recently I’ve gained a whole new crew of pals. True, I’ve never met them, but they seem to know a lot about me and they’re so aggressively, relentlessly friendly — always texting to shoot the breeze. About what? Oh, politics, mostly. Here’s a sampling of texts I hope disappear on November 4, 2020.
Hey Pat! Irene here from PA Dems. I hope you’re doing well in these unprecedented times. Just checking in to make sure you know that Joe Biden is a Democrat and that he’s not Trump. Remember: A vote for Joe is a vote for Not Trump!
Hey PATRICK, It’s Liz from Don’tMoveOn. We hope you’re doing well in these uncertain times. How is your PET TURTLE (DECEASED) doing? Did you buy that OINTMENT FOR DEALING WITH SHINGLES ON MY FACE you were shopping for recently? That’s great. Anyway, just a reminder that the polls are open and you can go vote for Joe Biden and all the Dems today. Leave now and you’ll be home in time to watch THIS IS US and CRY INTO YOUR SAD TURKEY MEATBALL DINNER.
Hey Patty, This is Dan from Angry Red Grampas. You’re doing well in these unpreventable times. Look, I have your voting records in front of me. I know you’re not a Trump guy. But can I interest you in not voting at all? I mean this virus — which is probably a hoax — is everywhere. And masks only make you sicker probably. I got kicked out of Lowe’s the other day because I cut breathing holes in mine. They were small holes! Point is: Don’t vote. Okay now what do I do to send it. I pressed that. Nothing’s happening. I’m pressing it. It’s still typing what I’m
Hey Pat! Irene from PA Dems again. Long time no talk. LOL. Can I still count on you to vote for Uncle Joe? Pretty please? Reply UNSUBSCRIBE if you think that will stop me!
Pat, It’s your boy Craig from Get Out Then Vote. It’s super important that you get out and then vote this election season. We have absolutely no opinions about who you vote for. We just like it when people vote.
Yo Pat, it’s Ted from Trump/Pence. As you read this, the meanest, most horrible, most disrespectful Hollywood liberal elites — Crooked Hillary, Phony Kamala, Smug Maddow, Meryl Creep, Mandy Pastinkin, um… Taylor Swiffer — are plotting to turn America into a place where the sick are cared for, the environment is protected and workers are properly compensated. Hell. On. Earth. Your file says you’re white and male and a patriot so I don’t even need to tell you who to vote for. Make me proud, boy.
Hey Pat, it’s Bernie Sanders with Bernie 2020. I hope you’re doing well despite the great disparity of wealth and opportunity in America today. Did you hear that in my voice? I bet you did. We had fun, right? Anyway, you have my blessing to go ahead and vote for Joe. Millionaires and billionaires. Remember I used to say that? Take care now.
Hey Pat! Irene. My husband knows about us. I’m coming over. And maybe tomorrow we grab some brunch on the way to your early voting polling place?
Patrick Rapa is a freelance writer in Philadelphia. He promises that he is voting in this election.