How to make and keep friends as an adult
Here are tips on how you can create friendships from an Philly expert and local.
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Two years ago, I moved more than a thousand miles away from my hometown, leaving my family and friends behind. I arrived in Philly knowing no one at the peak of the pandemic. As an extrovert, it was an adjustment to explore the city alone.
After several months, I decided to put myself out there and find friends. Using social media and dating apps, I eventually created a Whatsapp group of Muslim women in and around the Philly area. Ramadan was approaching and I wanted to have a community to celebrate with — the group, named Philly Girls, now has 28 members. The chat allowed many of us to find close friends, plan outings, and create a support system of women with shared experiences.
Making friends isn’t easy, especially as an adult. As hard as it may be to find romantic love, it’s arguably even more difficult to pick a new pal who we really connect with. But that’s no reason to resign ourselves to a lifetime of solitude, especially since having friends is important for our health and happiness. The Inquirer spoke with local experts for tips on making friends, from meeting via social media to finding shared hobbies.
Assess what you want and need from new friendships
As a fitness instructor, dancer, former professional athlete, and transracial Korean adoptee, Jessi Perna-Elias is motivated to create positive change for women of color. She created Relevé, a community group looking to help BIPOC women in Philly build friendships.
Review where you are in your life and be honest with yourself. Ask yourself questions to understand who you are: What friendships do you value most? What makes a relationship special to you? What qualities do you seek? What kind of friend do you want to be? Finally: What would be your ideal way to connect with other people — is it through an activity, craft, common interest, service, or even religion?
“Be more visible,” said Perna-Elias. “Identify a way to connect with others and increase your chances of being seen.” Maybe that’s going to a food festival or taking a pottery class. Or it’s trying rock climbing or a new sport for the first time.
Make the ask. Invite a new friend to a bowling or karaoke night. Or, instead of starting from scratch, “ask your first, second, and third-tier connections to introduce you to someone in their network,” said Perna-Elias.
Don’t get discouraged. “Trusted friendships take time and energy to build. As you go, reevaluate, reflect, and stay true to yourself.”
Pursue new hobbies to meet new people
Lauren Napolitano, a Narberth-based clinical psychologist who largely works with adult women, finds many of her clients lose sight of how important friendships are. They can get isolated in careers, parenting, marriage, etc., letting friendships lapse.
Find a hobby to meet people with mutual interests. Pursuing hobbies at beginner levels is a good place to start — maybe that’s beginner’s yoga or entry-level rowing programs. This way, “anybody that shows up is a day one person,” said Napolitano. “I think that helps things be less intimidating.”
Ease the initial awkwardness of making friends with conversations around the hobby. “You have this thing in common that you’re both trying to learn or execute together,” allowing you to bond without talking “about yourself, your life, and insecurities.”
Be consistent with the hobby or activity that works for you. “It might be fun to go for a run by yourself on a Saturday, but wouldn’t it be better to join a running group — it’s kind of like two birds, one stone.” If you do it consistently with the same people — maybe it’s every Sunday afternoon or Wednesday night — moving from casual acquaintance to friend will come naturally.
Use social media creatively
Najeedah Ghias didn’t find it weird being added to a group chat of strangers in the city since it’s “just the way all of us are, being used to social media.” The Philly Girls chat was helpful in meeting other Muslim women in the city for the Newtown resident. Finding friends online “really just seems to be such a good way to go,” she said.
“The group chat has been so helpful to just meet people,” she said. ”I think it was nice to get so many of us together that way, and then help everyone kind of find their own pockets of people too.”
Find a niche group that works for you. “For all of us, [it was like] let’s find other Muslim girls because that’s what we needed to connect and grow together.”
Transition your online connection into a physical friendship. Think of it like a pen pal you’d like to meet. Once you’ve done the initial chatting, initiate a friend date to learn more “by seeing that person and their mannerisms,” says Ghias. Meet up at a restaurant and enjoy food together, “so there’s no pressure.”
It’s OK if things are awkward. “There’s always that initial awkwardness when you meet anyone new,” said Ghias. Exchanging small talk about work and life can help you find commonalities.