Just like its football team, Dallas is behind Philadelphia when it comes to producing a trash-talking beer for thirsty sports fans.
A month after Weyerbacher Brewing in Easton, Pa., released its Dallas Sucks beer, a brewery in Dallas — Noble Rey Brewing Co. — announced Tuesday that it's creating an "Eagle Tears" beer, to come out in early November.
"When we heard some guys from PA made a beer called 'Dallas Sucks,' we did what we do best…make a better beer w/ a better name, & a WAY BETTER DESIGN!!!" Noble Rey said on its Facebook page.
First of all, stop yelling in your Facebook posts, Noble Rey. It makes you sound like you've been dipping into the product. Also, is your brewery named after a character in the new Star Wars movies?
Second, "Eagle Tears" isn't even a good comeback. Comebacks typically involve verbs (i.e., sucks) and/or references to someone's mother.
We know people in Dallas may only be familiar with tears of utter sadness, like those once cried by Cowboys (and Eagles) player Terrell Owens when he was asked about criticism his Dallas teammate, Tony Romo, faced. And we're pretty sure some people in Dallas, like Jerry Jones, aren't even able to produce tears.
So maybe we should alert Cowboys fans that people can also cry tears of joy — like after winning a big game or while standing in the shadows of the very edifice where our country was created. And we're pretty sure that eagle tears contain equal parts freedom and liberty and possess mystical healing properties, because 'Merica.
Speaking of 'Merica, perhaps Noble Rey should have Googled the name of its new concoction. We sure did and the first result is for a company called Eagle Tears USA, which makes firearms lubricants and gun-cleaning solutions. The company's motto: "E Pluribus Lube 'Um."
We're just going to leave that there.
Joshua Lampe, chief operating officer of Weyerbacher Brewing, said he came up with the idea for a Dallas Sucks beer while hanging out with friends, one of whom was wearing a Dallas Sucks shirt.
"We decided to put a beer together and call it Dallas Sucks, because, honestly, they do," he said.
Lampe made his beer "approachable," a contrast to Dallas fans. It's a pale ale with 4.5 percent ABV.
"When you go down for tailgates at 9 a.m., you want to make it into the game," he said.
Most Dallas fans understand that it's all in "playful rivalry," Lampe said.
He said he heard about Eagle Tears beer on Tuesday and started cracking up. Lampe says the ribbing and one-upmanship makes a sports rivalry fun.
"If you can't take a joke, you shouldn't be in the beer business," he said.
Cheers to that.
On a final note, we'd like to suggest that teams from Philly and Dallas face off with their respective beers in a Flipadelphia tournament. Really, it's the only classy way to settle this.
Staff writer David Gambacorta contributed trash-talking to this article.