Delco, how could you?
According to write-in tallies, the people of Delaware County are the only folks in the region who did not sacrifice a single write-in vote this election day to our adorably evil overlord, Gritty.
This is especially troubling since Gritty is so obviously a native son of Delaware County, Philly's blue-collar 'burb. Gritty may have come crawling out from the bowels of the Wells Fargo Center in South Philly, but he definitely burrowed his way there from Delco with a can of Natty Light in one hand and fireworks in the other.
In Philly, at least 43 people used their votes to write in Gritty for a variety of offices, according to Philly Voice's Brian Hickey, who redefined service journalism when he leafed through 272 pages of write-in votes in Philadelphia to tally those cast for Gritty.
In Bucks County, three upstanding patriots cast their votes for Gritty for U.S. senator, state senator, and governor, according to a list of write-in votes provided via email by County Commissioners' spokesman Larry R. King.
Also receiving write-in votes in Bucks County were Bradley Cooper — we could see the silver lining in that — and Burt Reynolds, who is dead.
One Bucks County voter had the sheer audacity to cast his or her ballot for Sheetz, which is really shomething else. The only convenience store that ought to get write-in votes in this corner of the country is Wawa.
Over in Montgomery County, where we were asked to submit a Right-to-Know request to get write-in candidates names, Gritty locked in 10 votes for U.S. senator, congressman, and governor.
Listen, we're not going to say Gritty is more popular than Jesus — we all know how that worked out for The Beatles — but we will report the facts: Jesus only got one write-in vote in Montco to Gritty's 10.
Also nominated via write-in vote to represent the good people of Montco were Snoop Dogg, Doug Pederson, Ron Swanson, Joel Embiid, The Rock, and Bob Seger, who'd be like a rock.
Write-in Yoda, one voter also did.
Kara C. Rahn, director of Voter Services in Chester County, said the county still uses hand-marked paper ballots (seriously) and with more than 237,000 cast, searching for Gritty write-in votes "would be extremely laborious."
Back in Delco, even though they didn't write-in Gritty for office, some voters were more than happy to cast their ballots for professional wrestler Dolph Ziggler, rap star Lil' Kim, and former U.S. Senator Joe Sestak — though we really hope they meant to vote for his Reeboks.
Delaware County spokeswoman Adrienne Marofsky said while all machine write-ins had been counted, absentee and provisional write-ins still need to be counted. So there is still a small glimmer of hope Gritty could get a Delco vote.
In Camden County, N.J., Gritty received two write-in votes for the U.S. House, where he'd obviously be appointed to the Rules Committee and immediately throw them all away.
Gritty also snagged two write-in votes to become Camden County sheriff. While we're not sure how we'd feel about Gritty carrying a gun, he'd certainly give a terrifying new meaning to "in the eyes of the law."
Creative write-in candidates for the Camden County Board of Freeholders included Leonardo DiCaprio, which we think would be a Titanic mistake; Sade, which is the Sweetest Taboo; and Larry, Moe, and Curly, which we soitenly approve of.
Knowing that "even the smallest person can change the course of the future," a Tolkien comedian wrote in Frodo Baggins, Samwise Gamgee, and Meriadoc Brandybuck for positions on the Board of Freeholders, which we think is just precious. But what about Peregrin Took, the fourth hobbit in the quest? Since voters could only write in three candidates for the Board of Freeholders, the upstanding voter wrote him in for Merchantville mayor.