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Ben Simmons turns 25 on Tuesday. Let’s see what his Sixers teammates are getting him. | Mike Sielski

What do you get for the man who has everything, including a problem with shooting a basketball?

On Tuesday, Ben Simmons will celebrate his 25th birthday. We thought about what the Sixers and others might get him.
On Tuesday, Ben Simmons will celebrate his 25th birthday. We thought about what the Sixers and others might get him.Read moreELIZABETH ROBERTSON / Staff Photographer

Tuesday is Ben Simmons’ 25th birthday. The following text chain is completely fake even if we wish it weren’t.

TOBI H: Hey all! The big 2-5 is comin up for Ben. Any ideas what we can get for him?

D MOREY: How bout Dame & 2 1sts #kiddingnotkidding

TOBI H: Daryl.

SETH C: There’s a pop-a-shot game we can order online for < $200

M SCOTT: cool cool can we send it to wimbledon

SETH C: he’s not there anymore Hive

M SCOTT: where is he

D MOREY: Probably in the dunker’s spot on the baseline! #rimshot

TOBI H: Daryl, you were supposed to help us, & this is not helping.

» READ MORE: Marc Zumoff’s rise to becoming the Sixers’ voice proved the value and power of dreaming big | Mike Sielski

M ZUMOFF: Morey turning garbage into gold!

TYRESE M: how bout a trip to Disney World? Bet he & his girl would like that. That thought cross anyones mind?

DOC: No.


DOC: You want me to pay for Ben Simmons to take off for Florida?

TYRESE M: I’ve got 2 ask the question

DOC: I’ll pass on that 1.

TOBI H: His brother might want 2 go 2. How many tix would we get?

M ZUMOFF: Thinking 3.

DWIGHT H: seriously why would any1 want to send any1 to orlando

JOSH H: I have enuf $$$ to purchase a medium-size island for him

D MOREY: Awesome. Can we leave him there? #castaway

TOBI H: Find a new slant, Daryl.

SAM H: Surprise party maybe? if we accumulate enough assets we should B able 2 xchange them 4 a Tuesday night reservation @ Barclay Prime

FURK K: I could jump out of cake

SHAKE M: lol

S O’NEIL: I say we all sign a card & put $0.75 in it.

TOBI H: Why?

S O’NEIL: Because we all know he wants no parts of a 4th quarter! #laterskaters

BRETT B: Best thing for Ben would be time w/ a sports psychologist. 1 session/week. That’s what I’d want 4 him. I’d want a session a wk minimum & he would be liberated. His world would open up.

JIMMY B: yeah right

JJ R: Could give him a gift certificate for 1 free appearance on my pod!

JIMMY B: oooh lemme come on, too. i’ll bring a nice merlot, dog

MATISSE T: not sure about all this. if we set him up perfectly and get him a nice gift how do we know he won’t just pass it off to somebody else

DANNY G: Don’t like the vibe here. Too many jokes at Ben’s expense. Bad enough when Philly fans do it.

JIMMY B: boo ... freaking hoo

» READ MORE: Five potential free agents the Sixers should consider for the bench | Off the Dribble

M ZUMOFF: Green looking 2 lock all windows & doors on this thread!

ERIC JR: I wouldn’t say this to ben’s face only from my burner but we let him sit out a whole freaking yr so he could win ROY what else we gotta do 4 him

DOC: Maybe we could send him & his girlfriend to Disney World.

TOBI H: Doc, didn’t u just say you wouldn’t pay to send him to Disney World?

SETH C: U think he’d want to go? U think he’d have fun there?

DOC: I don’t know the answer to that right now.

M ZUMOFF: Doc on the seesaw!

LEBRON J: what about disneyland? He can hang with me here in LA.

D MOREY: Give us Kuzma and 3 2s & it’s a done deal. #westcoastlivin

TOBI H: Guys, we’re gettin nowhere. Any other suggestions?

JOEL E: new phone who dis