Tuesday is Ben Simmons’ 25th birthday. The following text chain is completely fake even if we wish it weren’t.

TOBI H: Hey all! The big 2-5 is comin up for Ben. Any ideas what we can get for him?

D MOREY: How bout Dame & 2 1sts #kiddingnotkidding

TOBI H: Daryl.

SETH C: There’s a pop-a-shot game we can order online for < $200

M SCOTT: cool cool can we send it to wimbledon

SETH C: he’s not there anymore Hive

M SCOTT: where is he

D MOREY: Probably in the dunker’s spot on the baseline! #rimshot

TOBI H: Daryl, you were supposed to help us, & this is not helping.

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M ZUMOFF: Morey turning garbage into gold!

TYRESE M: how bout a trip to Disney World? Bet he & his girl would like that. That thought cross anyones mind?

DOC: No.

TYRESE M: Why?

DOC: You want me to pay for Ben Simmons to take off for Florida?

TYRESE M: I’ve got 2 ask the question

DOC: I’ll pass on that 1.

TOBI H: His brother might want 2 go 2. How many tix would we get?

M ZUMOFF: Thinking 3.

DWIGHT H: seriously why would any1 want to send any1 to orlando

JOSH H: I have enuf $$$ to purchase a medium-size island for him

D MOREY: Awesome. Can we leave him there? #castaway

TOBI H: Find a new slant, Daryl.

SAM H: Surprise party maybe? if we accumulate enough assets we should B able 2 xchange them 4 a Tuesday night reservation @ Barclay Prime

FURK K: I could jump out of cake

SHAKE M: lol

S O’NEIL: I say we all sign a card & put $0.75 in it.

TOBI H: Why?

S O’NEIL: Because we all know he wants no parts of a 4th quarter! #laterskaters

BRETT B: Best thing for Ben would be time w/ a sports psychologist. 1 session/week. That’s what I’d want 4 him. I’d want a session a wk minimum & he would be liberated. His world would open up.

JIMMY B: yeah right

JJ R: Could give him a gift certificate for 1 free appearance on my pod!

JIMMY B: oooh lemme come on, too. i’ll bring a nice merlot, dog

MATISSE T: not sure about all this. if we set him up perfectly and get him a nice gift how do we know he won’t just pass it off to somebody else

DANNY G: Don’t like the vibe here. Too many jokes at Ben’s expense. Bad enough when Philly fans do it.

JIMMY B: boo ... freaking hoo

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M ZUMOFF: Green looking 2 lock all windows & doors on this thread!

ERIC JR: I wouldn’t say this to ben’s face only from my burner but we let him sit out a whole freaking yr so he could win ROY what else we gotta do 4 him

DOC: Maybe we could send him & his girlfriend to Disney World.

TOBI H: Doc, didn’t u just say you wouldn’t pay to send him to Disney World?

SETH C: U think he’d want to go? U think he’d have fun there?

DOC: I don’t know the answer to that right now.

M ZUMOFF: Doc on the seesaw!

LEBRON J: what about disneyland? He can hang with me here in LA.

D MOREY: Give us Kuzma and 3 2s & it’s a done deal. #westcoastlivin

TOBI H: Guys, we’re gettin nowhere. Any other suggestions?

JOEL E: new phone who dis