My boyfriend never wants to leave his Philly neighborhood. Is that a red flag?
"Maybe don’t start by accusing them of having a side piece."
Two Inquirer staffers chatted to answer this week’s question…
I’ve been dating someone who never wants to leave his neighborhood. Should I see that as a nice commitment to his community or a red flag?
(Have your own question? Email us.)
Beatrice Forman, Food & Dining Reporter
The flag is the brightest red I’ve ever seen, personally.
Abigail Covington, Life & Culture Reporter
Interesting! How come? I see it as a sign that this guy is just a homebody.
Beatrice Forman
The cynic in me thinks this person’s boyfriend is doing this because he has a side piece in another part of the city and is scared of a run-in.
The other, slightly-less-cynical part sees this as kind of absolutist. Why does this person always have to go to his neighborhood?
Abigail Covington
That’s a fair question. If it bothers this person, they should bring it up. But how? I don’t know. Maybe don’t start by accusing them of having a side piece.
Beatrice Forman
I think it’s as a simple as saying, “I wish we hung out in my neighborhood more” or ... “Why do we always go to X bar on your block? Can we switch it up?” and if he seems unwilling to try, then push further.
Abigail Covington
Yes, that’s a good approach. I definitely don’t think this person should see his reluctance as a nice commitment to his neighborhood. That seems like wishful thinking. At best, this guy is lazy.
Beatrice Forman
Exactly! Like what does “nice commitment to his community” even mean? Volunteering, sure. Going to the same 5 restaurants ... not so much.
Abigail Covington
Yes. At the same time, I get it. I don’t like leaving my neighborhood either.
But I think when you’re in a new relationship, you should make the effort. Be the best version of yourself! The version that is willing to brave SEPTA for your crush!
Beatrice Forman
Yes! I am a very big homebody (I say while typing from my couch), but if I were to be dating, I would have to know it comes with the expectation of literally putting myself out there. It’s unfair to start a relationship just on your terms, and it sets a not great precedent for the future.
My boyfriend has a big group of friends and is the kind of guy that stays until last call. If I have plans after work two days in a row, I need several days of rot time to recover. We make it work.
But I think a reluctancy to leave your neighborhood is different than a reluctancy to leave your house. Going to dinner in Rittenhouse Square or something together once in awhile shouldn’t feel cumbersome! And if it does, then you might not be suited for different reasons.
Abigail Covington
Try not to assume the best or the worst about this guy just yet. Ask him what’s up then decide how to proceed. Maybe you just need him to acknowledge the imbalance. My partner is also a social butterfly who is happy to let me rot at home.
Beatrice Forman
I think you need to interrogate why you need so badly for him to leave his neighborhood. Is it because this feels like the most attainable compromise in an uneven relationship, or is it because you just want to try new things? One is a lot easier to fix than the other.