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How to save Tastykake

An IOM editorial in the DN:

Like everyone else, we are dismayed to hear that iconic Tasty Baking Co. is having financial problems. We're especially troubled because state and local taxpayers provided $32 million in low-interest loans to help the company relocate to the Navy Yard in South Philadelphia.

Given the helping hand extended to the banks and auto industry, we think it's only fair that government make some aggressive moves to save Tastykakes. However, given that this is a hometown matter, we thinking that local agencies should be the one to take the lead.

With that in mind, we'd offer these suggestions for how government might prop up the our beloved Tastykakes going forward.

Tastykakes for kids. The Philadelphia School District should switch to an all-Tastykakes menu immediately. Since there has been a lot of talk about getting kids to eat healthier, we'd like to recommend a balanced diet of a cupcake in one hand and a Koffee Kake in the other. This has the added benefit of creating future jobs in the health-care field in the areas of treating obesity, heart attacks and diabetes.

TastyTolls. The Delaware River Port Authority is eying an increase in tolls. Instead of taking cash, the DRPA should demand that all commuters pay their way with Tastykake products. Drive a Mini Cooper? You can pay with a Chocolate Junior. Steering an eighteen-wheeler? That'll cost an entire case of Krimpets.

TastyFares. Along the same lines, SEPTA should switch from tokens to Peanut Butter Kandy Kakes. Sure, it will require some effort to retrofit the turnstiles on the Broad Street Line, but it can't possibly take longer than other attempts to modernize SEPTA's fare collections. The switch to Tastykakes will also be a boon for the agency's unionized workforce, who can stockpile Tastykakes products to use during the next transit strike.

Drunken Tastykakes. Gov.-elect Tom Corbett is pushing to privatize the state liquor stores, but we have a better option: switch to selling alcohol-soaked Krimpets. It'll be Pennsylvania's version of the Four Loko craze, only with sugar and butter instead of caffeine. The best part? No one would be able to find them in New Jersey or Delaware liquor stores!

TastyTakeover. The state has taken over parking, schools and gaming. Why not create yet another patronage haven by having the commonwealth take over baking?

TastyKatering. The Philadelphia Housing Authority loves to throw parties, so it should switch to having all its events catered by Tastykakes.

TastyKouncil. Instead of giving out ceremonial citations, City Council should hand out Tastykakes to people being honored by that illustrious body. Now, instead of just a piece of paper, honorees will get a delicious treat with a higher resale value. Also, Council members enrolled in the DROP program could take a lifetime supply of Tastykakes instead of a lump-cash payment.

TastyTax. Instead of taxing soda and other sugary drinks, the city should impose a reverse tax on carrots, celery and broccoli. Enough said.

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