Chris Brown, who this week assured the world he's no monster, is being sued by a photog who says the R&B smooth-mover's bodyguard attacked him after he shot a pic of the embattled star March 13 at a Lalaland gym.

It sounds like a serious case of the wedgies: Robert Rosen says Brown's man "picked him up by his shorts and physically assaulted him."

A Brown rep says the suit is "specious and frivolous." The singer was expected in court yesterday on the charges of assaulting Rihanna.

What's in a label?

So wonders American Idol's newly minted pagan god Adam Lambert, whose sexuality has become the subject of heated gossip. The Idol runner-up, who enjoys performing in eye makeup, fingernail polish, and tight pants - as if that meant anything these days - tells People, "It's a really, really cool thing to be able to show people that you can be yourself, and you should be proud of yourself, and you should own who you are and what you're about, and never make apologies for it." Guess that means he's gay.

"Calm down," the Original Man (get it, he's Adam) tells the mag, and "keep speculating."

A passion for talking

Barbra Streisand is writing a book. But don't worry: Babs, who turned 67 last month and never shies away from sharing her political views, isn't tackling the state of our democracy. Passion for Design, which will be published by Viking, will tackle the far more pressing issue of home design. The publisher, who did not disclose how many gold pieces Babs is being paid, says the star plans to share her "exquisite taste and style" in furbishing her Malibu compound. See, Babs is a lot like John "Beauty is truth, truth beauty" Keats that way: "I have always searched for beauty," she says in a news release. Glad she has been doing it at home, behind closed doors.

Dolores Hope reaches 100

Thank goodness Willard Scott wasn't around for this one: Bob Hope's widow, Dolores Hope, celebrated her 100th b'day Wednesday at the Hope estate in Toluca Lake, Calif.

Health report . . .

Survivor of the 1980s Depeche Mode has good news: Lead singer Dave Gahan, who was briefly struck down by a severe bout of gastroenteritis, is back on his feet. The band says it will resume its Tour of the Universe (the Mars dates will be fab) on June 8 in Leipzig, Germany.

RadarOnline says America's paradigm of motherhood Octomom Nadya Suleman is out of the hospital after two weeks following surgery to remove benign fibroid tumors.

Reality TV is . . . like . . . fake!?

Rocking revelations from the vaulted towers of reality TV: Sexy (it's an acquired taste) celebutante Paris Hilton tells Us Weekly that her beau, Doug Reinhardt, will not join the stable of no-clue pretty boys and girls on MTV's The Hills, like, ever again. "The show is, like, so lame and fake. He doesn't even want to be a part of it," says Paris, single-handedly shaking the very foundations of the concept of reality.

It's, like, really, really, really lame

Meanwhile, Hills star Lauren Conrad, who dumped Paris' man on the show, tells Cosmopolitan she's totally kissing off reality shows. Her - totally well-considered - reasons? She's angry that producers invited Heidi Montag to Lauren's b'day party! Says Lauren, "After the producers did that, I disappeared. If they were disrespectful, I was going to be disrespectful back." Oh, the fierce passion that beats in that young, vapid heart.

Reality shows? They rock, dude!

Happily, there is one youngster who still has faith in the genre: Us Weekly says Jessica Simpson is shopping around a reality-show concept that might have been developed by Simone de Beauvoir herself, had she been lucky enough to live today. Jess' show, The Price of Beauty, will critique the hegemony of The Male Gaze over female corporeality. Says an anon source, "[Jessica] and a friend set off on a road trip around the world in search of what people find beautiful and why."

MTV's big day

MTV has announced more presenters for Sunday's 2009 Movie Awards: Chris Pine, Kiefer Sutherland, Sacha Baron Cohen alter ego Brüno, Leann Rimes, Ed Helms, Anna Faris, Justin Bartha, and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. Saturday Night Live's Andy Samberg will host.

Casting updates

In yet another round of the T.R. Knight merry-go-round, E!News says the Grey's Anatomy star is gone for good. ABC refuses to confirm.

The Hollywood Reporter says Freddie Prinze Jr. is joining The Jack Bauer Torture Chronicles, 24. Guess he'll be ringleader of that most dread enemy, The Pretty Boy Terrorist Cell.

Showtime says John Lithgow will kill a whole bunch of people on Season 4 of Dexter, the show that proves serial killers are people, too.

AmEx wants some Love

E!Online says American Express has accused Courtney Love of stiffing them of $352,059.67 in unpaid charges and fees on her Amex Gold, Centurion and Platinum Cards.

Contact "SideShow" at sideshow@phillynews.com. This column contains information from Inquirer wire services.