Me too me too me too!

That's

Tyra Banks

announcing the end of

The Tyra Banks Show

, her syndicated CW joint, after five years. Last shows will happen in 2010. Could Tyra, 36, not stand

Oprah Winfrey

getting the eyes for being a prominent black woman TV host calling it quits? Or was Tyra just tyra'd of the show? On her Web site, she says she'll concentrate on that all-engrossing cause, CW/UPN's

America's Next Top Model

, plus movies and unspecified "digital products," which sounds nastier than it probably is. Or is it as rumor has it: That

La Banks

is, shall we say, uterinely inhabited? If pregnancy has struck, could it have any connection with her reputed bf,

John Utendahl

? Founder of the largest African American-owned investment banking group in the United States, sez here? According to biologists, evolution has ensured that investment bankers 50 and over are especially attractive, so he fits the bill.

TMZ gets faked out by a fake

The week between Christmas and Jan. 2 is dreaded by us newsies. Dudes, we be scramblin', OK? Celeb gossip site TMZ apparently is no exception. Give credit where credit is demanded: TMZ gets celeb dish before the rest of the world. Hey, they broke the year's biggest entertainment story, that of Michael Jackson's death, well before anyone else, mainstream or not.

But even TMZ is sucking wind this week. Yesterday they ran a breathless piece announcing discovery of a shocking photo. It shows a boat at sea, mid-1950s, and "a man appearing to be John F. Kennedy" (their words, folks!) (all you can see is a murky image of some dude with perfect hair) sunning himself on a deck chair while women dive nakedly into the ocean. Had this snap surfaced when JFK ran for prez, TMZ writes, "it could have torpedoed his run, and changed world history."

Yeah, except, um, well, see, it turns out Playboy ran the photo in 1967 in a story titled, "Playboy's Charter Yacht Party: How to Have a Ball on the Briny with an Able-Bodies Complement of Ship's Belles." (Can you love this enough?) Exposure of the exposé took about 10 hours. TMZ should have known it was a fake: It shows JFK ignoring the naked bathers. . . . You can bet Fox News' Web site was crankin' headlines bigtime on the photo, and they, too, had to sort of like go away. . . . As they say in journalism, "Oops! your bad." . . .

Charlie Sheen, jailbird

Absolutely

not

true that any plans exist for a TV special titled

Christmas in Jail With

Charlie Sheen

, but, heck, ask Charlie, that's what we say. Sheen, 44, spent part of Christmas in the slammer in Aspen, Colo. People mag says wife

Brooke Mueller

called 911 after an all-night fight. The generous police released an audio of the 911 call yesterday. Reports say he brandished a knife. His hearing is Feb. 8. ABC Web site runs a choice review of Sheen's roughshod romp through life: his divorce from

Denise Richards

, his name in Hollywood madame

Heidi Fleiss

' client book, his rehab stints, his nutty 9/11 theories. Dig it at

. Wife Mueller was out and about in Aspen yesterday, without Charlie but with chauffeured limo, looking jes' fine by her manless, rich, pretty self.

Wait - it gets better

Michael Lohan, father to Lindsay, asked police to arrest his ex-fiancee, Erin Muller, because she'd pulled a knife on him "several months ago." 'Course, Muller had him arrested Dec. 14. for allegedly violating a restraining order. Why'd Michael wait this time? "I wanted her to get help for her addictions." Oh. We see.

Wait - it gets even better

All the world wanted

Jon Gosselin

's NYC apartment to get ransacked and slashed to pieces, and, by gosh, that's just what happened Sunday. Man, but the place got wrecked. There was even a note -

speared to Jon's dresser with a butcher knife!!

- calling JG a "cheater." That's either a clever diversionary trick by the robbers, or a woodenbrained move by someone with an amorous animus against Jon. Hmm . . . who could that be? Not longtime sort-of-but-no-one-least-of-all-her-is-certain gf

Hailey Glassman

! Oh, but di'n' she use to

live

in the apartment? It couldn't be her, could it? Police are questioning her. Seems like they might. Some are suggesting, and shame on them, that JG might have had his crib trashed as a publicity stunt! Now who would do that? You'd have to be nuts. Actually, come to think of it . . .

This simply cannot be

So did

Paris Hilton

get married? Don't scream - we're just asking. According to LaLate (which hilariously styles itself as a "celebrity protest" Web site), over the weekend, P-Hilt did wed

Piers Morgan

, host of

America's Got Talent

, at a quickie ceremony at the Little Church of the West. It was all funnin', though, a spoof for an English faux-reality show. Mop brow. Deep breath. Whew.

Nice, small, happy pieces

Leonardo DiCaprio

, yet another pretty boy who gets

everything

, was spotted on vacation this weekend down in Riviera Maya, Mexico. With whom? His ex-gf

Bar Refaeli

, considered one of the most shatteringly beautiful women on this planet. (Equal time: We hear women like Leo, too.) Photos show the two in swimsuits and everything; it must be love. . . . Speaking of holiday happiness in swimsuits,

Sienna Miller

(who turned 28 yesterday!) was observed with ex-fiance and infidel

Jude Law

(who turns 37 today!) on a Barbados beach on Christmas Day. Let's see here: They were engaged on Christmas Day 2004; he globally humiliated her by double-dribbling with their nanny,

Daisy Wright

, in 2005; they split up . . . and now they're beachin' it, with his kids (by

Sadie Frost

, from whom he divorced in 2003),

Rudy

, 7,

Iris

, 9,

Rafferty

, 13, and her mom (and what can

she

be thinking?),

Jo

. . . . Hard-to-spell

Johnathon Schaech

(

That Thing You Do!

, etc.), aged 40, asked

Jana Rae Kramer

, 26 (

One Tree Hill

) to marry him and, do you know?, JRK said, "Oh, all right." They met on the set of

Prom Night

in 2008. Schaech was divorced from SideShow favorite

Christina Applegate

in 2007 and just finished filming

Georgia

with costar

Emmanuelle Chriqui

. . . . OMG,

Kanye West

being nice! On Saturday, he and gf

Amber Rose

showed up at the Los Angeles Mission, a long, long, longtime nonprofit serving the down-and-out and addicted in L.A.'s rapidly growing Skid Row section. They arrived, jumped into aprons (not an easy thing to do) and started slinging lunch with other volunteers in the food line. "It's just important," he said, to give back "when you're very blessed," he told The BoomBox. . . . The Daily Mail, that reliable UK celeb rag, relays a rumor that

Gwyneth Paltrow

and

Demi Moore

are converting

Jennifer Aniston

to Kabbalah. Ever since

Madonna

joined, the rest of the celebrity world is realizing it must be right!

Contact "SideShow" at sideshow@phillynews.com.

This column contains information from Inquirer wire services.