Two random teenagers threw snowballs at me, a grown man. What should I do?

The recent heavy snowfall brought snowmen and sledding to parks across the city. It also brought snowball fights. I invited two Inquirer staffers to answer this week’s doozy of a question.

Have a question of your own? Or an opinion? Email me.

Evan Weiss, Deputy Features Editor

Okay, so the question this week is also a bit of a tale...

Two random teenagers threw snowballs at me, a grown man. One hit me in the face and knocked off my glasses. Was I, a grown man, allowed to throw the world’s fastest revenge snowball? Or should I have just yelled a few expletives and moved on (what I actually did)?

Jason Nark, Life & Culture Reporter

Phew, he’s a better person than me.

You’re certainly allowed to throw a revenge snowball, or worse, in my opinion. An unprovoked snowball throwing is fraught with peril.

Mike Newall, Life & Culture Reporter

I think we need to start coming up with cool names for these reader questions. Like, Frozen in Time.

But yes, Frozen in Time, you gotta get revenge. Just be an adult about it.

Evan Weiss, Deputy Features Editor

You’re not worried about a person (or phone) only seeing a grown man throw a hard snowball at kids?

Jason Nark

Again, it’s a perilous situation. Snowballs aren’t fun and games to me.

Mike Newall

That’s why I said be adult about it. As the father of a six year old, I can tell you that a child’s first reaction when they’ve done something wrong is to fight or run. You don’t need that. You’ll either slip — or, worse, the kids will just double down and snowball-light-you-up.

You have to think of it calmly, analytically. “Who are these kids? When will I likely see them again?” Put some snow aside in the shade, and then prepare to surprise them when that moment comes.

And try to throw from behind the cover of a wall or fence or car, just so you don’t run into the whole mean adult thing Evan was talking about.

Jason Nark

I think there’s some snowball investigations in New York City right now.

To be honest, I’ve always hated a snowball fight.

Mike Newall

Why do you hate snowballs so much?

Picked on by kids a lot? Now as an adult, I mean.

Jason Nark

Painful, I think. No one likes a snowball to the face.

But I guess, being the adult, you can’t really retaliate too much or you’ll have an angry dad knocking at your door.

Mike Newall

Yeah, obviously doesn’t need to be said: but, Frozen in Time, you shouldn’t aim at the face. No faces.

But you’re one of the fittest people I know, Jason. I’d put my money on you.

Jason Nark

I’d like to not put myself in the environment at all. If there’s a snowball fight happening, I hope I’m inside with a coffee, petting my dog.

Mike Newall

Okay. Me too.

Jason Nark

I need to move to Southern Arizona or New Mexico.

Evan Weiss

So your advice is really “don’t get hit in the face by a snowball.”

I’m going to take the unpopular stance here: I wouldn’t retaliate. Nothing to gain, plenty to lose. Shouting is fine though.

Mike Newall

Revenge would be fun. Make you feel a kid again.

Jason Nark

I agree. I don’t think I’d retaliate either, now that I think of it. Who knows. The anger might compel me.

Mike Newall

The best advice on parenting I ever got was from my old vet: she said (about dogs, mind you) that all they want (again dogs) is for you to be happy when you come home and see them and stop what you’re doing and give them attention. All kids ever want is our attention. Who am I to deny that by withholding a surprise snowball to the back or legs or shoulder area (above the neck strictly off limits)?

Evan Weiss

You’re holding strong for vengeance!

Mike Newall

For the children. I am.

Evan Weiss

Any last words of wisdom for Frozen in Time?

Mike Newall

Do it for the kids, Frozen in Time. For the kids.

Jason Nark

I say take a deep breath, breath out the rage, and search on Zillow for desert properties in the Southwest.