When, dear heavens, will it finally end?

For months, he grabbed headlines, fame, TV appearances, money, and one imagines, plenty of free drinks and free, um, romance, out of his domestic mess with onetime wife and costar Kate Gosselin. Now, Jon Gosselin is back in the headlines - if not in our hearts - over his rapidly deteriorating relationship with former gf Hailey Glassman.

The New York Post says HG, questioned by cops for allegedly ransacking Jon's New York pad over the weekend, has accused him of domestic violence. Glassman, whose father was the surgeon who gave Kate a tummy tuck, has filed a harassment complaint with the police charging that on Dec. 20, "she was pushed against [a] wall" and verbally abused by Jon, whose attorney denied the charge. "Jon is a lover, not a fighter," (ugh!) said Mark Heller. "He's been rumored to steal a kiss here and there, but he has never been accused of landing a sucker punch." Jon and the lawyer should both be charged with gross and indecent verbal sleazoidery, if nothing else.

Former top cop gets nearly 3 years

Barry Carpenter

, former chief of police of Martins Ferry, Ohio, was sentenced in court yesterday to two years and eight months in prison in connection with a break-in at the home of

Michelle Ross

, the surrogate who bore twins for

Sarah Jessica Parker

and

Matthew Broderick

.

Belmont County Common Pleas Judge John Solovan called prison time a "must" in the case, and Carpenter was taken into custody immediately after the hearing, the Associated Press reports.

Carpenter was convicted last month on charges of receiving stolen property, theft in office, and evidence tampering. Authorities say he broke into Ross' home in May, took items related to the surrogacy, and conspired with Police Chief Chad Dojack of neighboring Bridgeport to sell the items to the tabloids.

Ross gave birth June 22 to twin girls, Marion Loretta Elwell and Tabitha Hodge.

Carpenter's attorney vowed to appeal. Dojack is scheduled to go on trial next month.

Another Charlie Sheen divorce?

A surprising - nay, shocking - development in the

Charlie Sheen

-

Brooke Mueller

case: An inside source says the couple, who rocked the headlines this week when Charlie, 44, was charged with domestic abuse, may get divorced.

The possibility never entered my mind!

Brooke has told police that Charlie pulled a knife during a drunken altercation over Christmas dinner in Aspen, Colo., held it to her throat, and threatened to kill her.

Perhaps more shocking is the couple's response to reports they are splitting up.

Brooke's lawyer, Yale Galanter, said yesterday that the couple were "very much in love" and that "they want to try to work it out," despite the incident.

Charlie's attorney, Richard Cummins, confirms the couple want a reconciliation.

Charlie, who was formerly wed to Denise Richards, has been charged with felony menacing and domestic violence. He denies he threatened Brooke with a knife.

. . . But he'll still entertain us

Never fear!

Charlie Sheen

won't abandon all ye

Two and a Half Men

fans. An anon TV insider tells People that the actor will be back on the set Jan. 4 to start filming the new season of his beloved CBS sitcom.

Hanging in there for the countdown

Pop impresario

Dick Clark

, who turned 80 last month, says he's in fightin' form for tonight's ABC extravaganza,

Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve With Ryan Seacrest 2010

, which will be beamed live from Times Square.

"I'm feeling fine, though the stroke has slowed me down," Clark told USA Today, referring to the '04 stroke that forced the former American Bandstand host to miss the ball-drop countdown he debuted in '72.

Back then, the show was simple. "In the early days, the crew consisted of the cameraman, stage manager, and my wife," he said. "We stood on top of a building with a ladder." Clark ends the show with an annual ritual. "My favorite routine is our little after-telecast get-together for a hamburger and beer at my favorite New York pub, P.J. Clarke's, where I've been going since I was too young for a beer." Clark, who says he hasn't decided whether he'll do next year's do, concludes with: "I avoid making New Year's resolutions. . . . I inevitably fail to fulfill them."

Tidbits 'n' pieces

Taylor

"You Belong With Me"

Swift

, 20, and her

Twilight

boytoy

Taylor Lautner

, 17, have split up after 12 minutes of intense canoodling. As People mag wisely points out, gossipers will soon sing about reconciliation: The duo will hit the road soon to promote their romantic comedy,

Valentine's Day

. Nothing sells a movie like an on-set romance, no matter how fake.

How much of a romantic is Jonas Brothers bro Kevin Jonas? He's sooo romantic that on his wedding day Dec. 19, Kev, 22, gave his lil' princess, Danielle Deleasa, 23, the ultimate princesserly gift: a pair of real crystal slippers in her size. (Can't be good for her bunions.)

Belated congrats to Belfast's greatest poet-troubadour, Van Morrison, 64, who on Monday welcomed the birth of George Ivan Morrison III. It's the singer's fourth child, the first with his manager - and ostensibly current lover - Gigi Lee.

Belated congrats also to Dancing With the Stars champ Hélio Castroneves and his gf, Adriana Henao, who on Monday welcomed their first child, a girl, Mikaella Castroneves.

The Los Angeles Coroner's Office has released actress Brittany Murphy's death certificate. It lists the cause of death as "deferred" pending toxicology results.

Ex-girlfriend: Michael Lohan beat me

Michael Lohan

's ex-gf,

Erin Muller

, who has been charged with assault for allegedly kicking the distinguished celeb dad in the head, says she was the victim of abuse at Lohan's hands.

The New York Post says Muller, who wants a Nassau County, N.Y., court to dismiss charges against her, has told the court Lohan has repeatedly beaten her.

In court papers obtained by the Post, Muller says Lohan "slapped [her] in the face twice because Erin accused him of giving her a fake watch on her birthday" in December '07. The following year, she claims, he "punched [her] in the mouth," beat her with a "stiletto heel," and "put a lit cigarette out on her scalp."

Michael, father to American hero Lindsay Lohan, tells the Post: "All these allegations are a lie. If these things are true, why didn't she complain about it years ago?"

Muller's lawyer has yet to comment.

Contact "SideShow" at sideshow@phillynews.com.

This column contains information from Inquirer wire services.