Dear Hollywood: Stop ruining our childhood media memories by remaking them. Are there no stories to tell other than The Karate Kid, The A-Team, or Clash of the Titans? Does a bad skit on Saturday Night Live really a movie make? Is Shrek's life worth four motion pictures? We know it's difficult to resist copying old masterpieces when you raked in $56 million from this weekend's opening of The Karate Kid, or $210 million for a month's run of that Forever After saga. But we swear we can connect you with hundreds, perhaps thousands, of eager and willing screenwriters who can offer you untold tales played by people not related to Will Smith. We're standing by.

If you were wondering

Renée Zellweger and The A-Team's Bradley Cooper are not engaged to be married, their reps said. (Thank heavens! Renée, you can still find someone with talent!) Rumors that the couple were set to wed swirled last week after Zellweger was spotted supposedly shopping for wedding dresses and the two were seen dining with her parents. Cue A-Team theme music: Da Da-Da Dommm, Da Da Dommm.

Joe says it's her fault

Michael Jackson

's dad is blaming Michael Jackson's mom for Michael Jackson's death, according to

Joe Jackson

claims he told


to visit their son when he was "looking kind of funny and frail," but she refused because she didn't want to pry. Like a good husband, Joe said he told Katherine their son's death could have been prevented if she had acted.

Where's Superman?

Sci-fi writer

Neil Gaiman

has been fighting for years with former Spider-Man artist

Todd McFarlane

's attorneys over Gaiman's claims to a handful of characters created for McFarlane's classic Spawn series. Now Gaiman says McFarlane owes him for three more characters.

Besides determining how much money these characters have generated, the parties also have to keep track of how many characters include the name Spawn. Sounds like a job for a superhero, but instead, a federal judge will listen to both sides' arguments in a hearing Monday.

Expo extra

Speaking of geekiness, nearly 250 exhibitors, including publishing giants Microsoft, Sony, and Nintendo, plan to hype their latest games and gizmos at this week's Electronic Entertainment Expo, known as E3, where 45,000 attendees are expected. We're all for taking time out for extracurricular mind games, but we merely ask those brawny brains (maybe during their lunch break?) to brainstorm a way to plug the oil leak.

Even Sarah says so!

Sarah Palin offered some advice to anyone wondering whether she's enhanced her bust, a topic now called boobgate: "I think some of those folks, too, they need to perhaps grab a shovel, go down to the gulf, volunteer to help, clean up, and save a whale or something," she told Fox's Greta Van Susteren. We are assuming that means Sarah, too, has done her part to help tackle the oil spill, perhaps by grabbing a shovel and . . . Anyway, these chest-size discussions make her wear layers, Palin said while wearing a cleavage-bearing V-neck. Tough stuff.

Wise teacher words

As Indonesians continue to grapple with their first-ever celebrity sex-tape scandal (that's pop singer Ariel in bed with two girlfriends), we pause for this public-service announcement. When the scandal spurred debate as to whether education about sex - a subject still taboo at home and in the classroom - should be added to the school curriculum, Minister of Education Muhammad Nuh responded with a flat out "no."

"I may be obsolete, but I don't see that sex education in schools is needed," he told reporters. Here's the best part: "I believe people will learn about sex naturally." Ah, yes. Pregnant teenagers have been learning, naturally, for centuries.