Philadelphians heading to the polls Tuesday may have a little anxiety over the city’s new voting machines. But Philly officials released a helpful video explaining how to use the new voting system — and for sports fans, the example ballot is a dream.
Released last month and highlighted over the weekend in a tweet by NBC Sports Philadelphia producer Travis Hughes, the clip shows local voters how the new ExpressVote XL system, which combines a physical paper ballot with an electronic touch screen, works when it comes time to enter the booth. But rather than the usual political names, candidates in whatever bizarro world the video is set in include Carson Wentz, Chase Utley, and Joel Embiid for the 2020 presidential race.
Wentz, for example, is listed on the video’s Democratic ticket as a vice presidential candidate alongside Nick Foles, who appears to be running for president. The rest of the hypothetical Democratic ticket includes local favorites like Allen Iverson (senator), Bradley Cooper (attorney general), and Tina Fey (state treasurer).
Apologies, however, to fans of Philly natives like Will Smith and Kevin Hart — they unfortunately didn’t make the cut for the upcoming fake election season. Neither did stars like Chris Matthews, Jill Scott, or Kate Gosselin — though maybe that last one is a good thing.
Republicans, meanwhile, somehow have the option to vote for noted progressive Malcolm Jenkins for president and former Eagle Chris Long for vice president. If you lean Libertarian, Flyers greats Bobby Clarke and Bernie Parent are your main guys, and Eric Lindros could be your vote for state treasurer.
The clip’s ballot even seems to stretch across time, space, and mortality, thanks to the inclusion of late sports stars like Roy Halladay, Wilt Chamberlain, and Reggie White. Meanwhile, not a single professional soccer player, living or dead, made an appearance.
Some fictional characters did, however, make the cut for various positions on the equally fictional ballot, like the Flyers’ Gritty (auditor general) — who has actually received write-in votes in real elections — and Rocky Balboa (congress). What, no Phanatic? Literally anyone from Boy Meets World, but especially Mr. Feeny? Or what about David Dunn? He may be Unbreakable, but he’s also apparently unelectable.
» READ MORE: Everything you need to know about Tuesday's election
Ballot questions used in the clip are equally Philly, and feature a proposal to change references of the word “water” to “wooder” in the Philadelphia Home Rule Charter. Another, meanwhile, offers to impose an additional 12 percent wage tax on Dallas Cowboys players, which doesn’t sound like a joke to us.
Meanwhile, the real world, Philly’s new voting machines are making their debut Tuesday in accordance with a mandate from Gov. Tom Wolf that requires all counties in Pennsylvania to update their current systems.