Finding heroes in the Cheltenham football assaults | Expert Opinion

The disturbing story of the assaults in the Cheltenham High School football locker room is sadly not unique. Incidents of hazing and locker-room violence have made headlines for decades.

The allegations in Cheltenham have many familiar features: a younger or more vulnerable student was targeted, other students knew what was happening, and adults appear to be protecting the team rather than a victimized child.

But within this terrible story, I see two heroes — and both offer lessons for parents.

The first is the person who reported the violence through Pennsylvania’s Safe2Say system. That report helped move information about the abuse outside the closed world of the football program and into the hands of authorities.

That matters. According to prosecutors, coaches exchanged messages saying the incident had to be “kept quiet,” with one writing that if it became public, “They will cancel the whole season.”

Closed systems are dangerous. Information cannot get out, outside help cannot get in, and problems can fester — especially when the people responsible for setting the rules are also the people with something to lose.

The second hero is the victim’s mother.

She knew her son well enough to recognize that something was wrong. Their relationship was strong enough that he eventually told her he had been attacked. And when he did, she acted.

Experts will undoubtedly recommend changes in supervision, reporting, hazing prevention, and school culture. But there are also things parents can do, starting at home.

Lesson 1: Make it clear: We never blame the victim.

One of the most heartbreaking details in this story is that the young man eventually switched to virtual school after being harassed by other students following the attacks.

Being victimized should never become a source of shame for the person who was harmed.

Parents can make one family value unmistakably clear: In our family, we never blame or humiliate someone for being victimized.

We do not mock someone for being smaller, frightened, or embarrassed. We do not treat reporting abuse as weakness or betrayal. We think about how it feels to be in their shoes.

Schools can adopt programs and conduct training, but culture begins long before a child walks through the schoolhouse door. When parents send kids to school already believing that cruelty is unacceptable and victims deserve support, schools have a much better chance of creating and maintaining a healthy culture.

This is particularly important in adolescence. Teenagers can reason remarkably well, but the brain systems involved in empathy, impulse control, and weighing consequences are still developing. At the same time, adolescents are especially sensitive to the opinions of peers, social pressure, and belonging.

That is not an excuse for cruelty. It is precisely why adults should create environments in which empathy, respect, and intervention are explicitly expected.

Lesson 2: Don’t wait for a crisis to talk about sex and sexual violence.

Too many families wait until there is a sense of immediacy; puberty is about to arrive, a child sees something explicit online, a dating relationship begins, or a frightening story about sexual assault like Cheltenham appears in the news.

In that moment both parent and child may feel distressed and unprepared.

Research consistently finds that parents remain an important influence on their adolescents’ sexual decision-making, even though parents often underestimate how much influence they have. Parent-child communication about sexuality is also associated with healthier and safer sexual behavior.

Too many kids are now learning about sex from peers, pornography, and predators, and what they learn is often inaccurate and rarely matches the values parents have for their children.

In The Sex-Wise Parent, I encourage parents to share sexuality information and values not as “the talk,” but as an ordinary part of parenting that begins early and develops as children grow. Parents need not know every answer in the moment. Rather, they should communicate that questions are welcome, and children can bring uncomfortable experiences to them without fear of being blamed.

The Cheltenham victim eventually told his mother because something in their relationship allowed him to. Every parent can build that kind of relationship before a child ever needs it.

And a relationship where a child can ask questions about sexuality is important for more than just crisis intervention; ultimately, we want our kids to grow up and be sexually safe and healthy in every aspect of their life. Parents who can discuss sexuality with their kids of every age are a gift; they send sexually safe and healthy people out into communities where they are safe peers, partners, and members of the public.

Janet Rosenzweig, Ph.D., is a longtime child welfare and sexuality-education professional and author of “The Sex-Wise Parent,” a practical guide for parents to support healthy sexual development. The updated third edition was released in July.