DEAR ABBY: I am a man in his 60s who lost his wife two years ago to a heart attack. I have fallen in love with my cousin, who is also in her 60s, divorced and a lawyer. Is it reasonable for me to ask her to go with me on dates? Can a man marry his first cousin?
— CONFUSED IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR CONFUSED: According to the free legal reference website Justia (law.justia.com), first cousins are not listed among the types of forbidden marriages or civil unions in the state of New Jersey. In other words, yes, it seems to be legal where you live.
Even so, you will want to tread very carefully here. You say you’ve fallen in love with her, but are you sure she has romantic feelings for you? If not, you risk alienating a family member you deeply respect and admire.
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DEAR ABBY: I have two brothers, “Derek” and “Paul,” who have not spoken to each other in more than six years. There was no falling-out; they’re simply bad at communicating (even with other siblings). Last year, Derek wanted to get together with all the siblings, but Paul wouldn’t come (no reason given).
I just found out that Derek has terminal cancer. He doesn’t want Paul to know. I assume it has to do with Paul not wanting to get together, which hurt Derek’s feelings. I believe Paul should be told about Derek’s condition. What is the best way to get Derek to reconsider informing Paul of his diagnosis?
— IN THE MIDDLE
DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: You and your family have my sympathy for Derek’s condition. It’s not wise to assume anything in a situation like this. If you want to know why Derek is keeping his cancer a secret from Paul, ask him. Tell him you’re there for him and will help him break the news if he would like. Meanwhile, approach Paul to plan a sibling get-together that would fit his schedule. If he still refuses, it’s likely these two have problems you’re unaware of that go beyond poor communication skills.
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DEAR ABBY: I recently took a friend on a day trip. While I was driving, she took out her clippers and trimmed her fingernails in my car. Later, when she changed into her walking shoes, she put the soles of these shoes on the dash of my car to tie them. Thank goodness there wasn’t a pebble stuck in the bottom, or my dashboard would have been scratched in addition to the dirt. I was dumbstruck that someone would do this in someone else’s nice car. What is a good way to ask that these things stop? I was unprepared and without words.
— BOTHERED IN THE WEST
DEAR BOTHERED: The most effective way to have delivered the message to your disrespectful friend would have been to say, clearly and firmly, “Excuse me! I don’t want footprints on my dashboard or nail clippings in my car.” Follow it up by asking her to clean up both messes.
