Philadelphia public schools closed early today as a result of the heat, and the Philadelphia Police Department feels your pain and reminisces — though, more about Hi-C Ecto Cooler than kids running amok in the heat.
Earlier today, the mad genius behind the PPD's Facebook account posted a message that they hoped would help them "properly commiserate" with all the "back in my day"-style comments that have been flying in the face of the school district's decision to close due to the heat.
To that end, the PPD's Facebook page ran down "some other Philadelphia-area early closings that have caused me great distress," including the closing of Clover and Caldor department stores, and the loss of area Roy Rogers eateries.
Via the PPD's page:
In case you haven't heard, all Philadelphia Public Schools are closing early today due to the heat. This has a lot of people upset (mostly parents!), and has led to a plethora of fantastic "Back in my day....." stories in our comments.
I feel your pain, and in order to properly commiserate with you, I, your humble and faithful Narrator, will now share some other Philadelphia-area early closings that have caused me great distress.
1. The Closing of Roy Rogers Restaurants:
No, no, don't give me that rest stop one that's in Jersey -- that doesn't count! I'm talking about the real, honest-to-god Roy Rogers franchises that used to be scattered all over the Philly Metro area. Want good fried chicken? Roy had it. A delicious roast beef sandwich? Yeah - our singing cowboy had that, too. Now if you want both, you'd have to drive to KFC AND Arby's like an idiot! Don't even get me started on the Fixins Bar that Roy's had. Yippe-Ki-Ye, Roy - I really miss you!
2. The Closing of Clover Department Stores
Like Strawbridge and Clothier's selection? Like being surrounded by more formica counter tops and wood paneling than the Brady Bunch? Hate paying full prices? Then THIS was your place, Baby! Why oh why did you leave us?
3. The Closing of Caldor Department Stores
Ok, well, so they were pretty much just a poor man's version of Target, but whatever. They made AMAZING commercial jingles. Youtube them some time.
4. The Closing of Whatever Assembly Line That Was Producing HI-C Ecto Cooler
This was truly the nectar of the gods. If you grew up in the 80's or 90's, THIS is what you wanted to be drinking at all times. Slimer's smiling face in your lunchbox was a sign that not only were you now officially better than all of your milk-toting classmates, but that your day was about to improve dramatically. If I were still fueled by Ecto Cooler, I could single-handedly end all crime in Philadelphia in 1 hour. Well, not really, but rest assured I would at least fill a kiddie pool with it and soak in it all day. Alas, it's gone.
So, yeah, the schools are closing early, and you need to make provisions to babysit -- but just remember -- it could always be worse.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go drown my sorrows in a Capri Sun Juice Box.
In case the joke isn't clear however, the post makes it clear right there at the end: "The schools are closing early, and you need to make provisions to babysit — but just remember — it could always be worse."
Which, of course, is true. But nothing — nothing — will equal the sadness inspired by the discontinuation of Ecto Cooler, the Ghostbusters-themed beverage which proudly flowed from Hi-C's sugary taps under various names until 2007. This is something the PPD realizes, as its Facebook admin says they could "single-handedly end all crime in Philadelphia in one hour" if the drink still existed.
And, heck, if that's true, it probably could have kept the kids in school, too.