his week’s question (Have your own? Email us.):
My neighbors are incredibly nice. I am very lucky. I know some people have bad neighbors. That’s not me. They’re a retired couple who spend what seems like 18 hours a day hanging out on their steps drinking either coffee or a tall cocktail. (I am jealous of their lives, but that is beside the point.) Every time I come home, no matter the hour, they would like to talk for at least ten minutes. They are nice and interesting and usually I’m game, but sometimes I just am depleted and want to flop on the couch inside. I’ve done the pretending I’m on the phone, but that just feels icky. What is a nice way to say “no thanks, not today”?
Mike Newall
Listen, No Thanks Not Today, you need to take a lesson in frankness and boldness from your tall-cocktail drinking neighbors.
These people are living their best lives on their steps, and you’re worrying about how best to slither inside. You’re better than that.
Abigail Covington
I agree. I think you need to just come out and say, “Listen, you guys are groovy. I love your style. When I retire, I want to be just like you. But right now, I’m exhausted so can we pick this back up tomorrow?” Keep it light and breezy like a Bahama Mama, and I’m sure they’ll understand.
Mike Newall
Yes! When I moved to South Philly my lovely, elderly, now deceased neighbors, God bless them, taught me the rules of the street. How to water cement properly and pick weeds from the pavement. Where to park. They also happily engaged in every facet of our life, poking their heads over our share wall to comment on my garden, my cooking, and my accidental, seconds-long, use of a bright backyard light.
They also became our family, and I miss them dearly. Embrace them!
Abigail Covington
That is very lovely. For what it’s worth, I barely know my neighbors, and because my dog always barks at their cat, I have no plans on getting to know them. If you’re worried about ruining their good time, I think you should embrace the fake phone. Or, its modern alternative, pointing to your AirPod and mouthing “on a call.” Maybe the last thing you want to do after a long day is have a heart-to-heart with your neighbors. Let yourself off the hook. The fake phone isn’t icky. It’s helpful.
Mike Newall
Fake phone is fine, No Thanks Not Today. Personally, if I still indulged, I’d be on that steps some nights, getting the history of the hood, the straight, low-down gossip, and helpful tips about rowhome living, and the laughter.
But if you’re beat, you’re beat. Just say, “Hi, neighbors! Wish I could join you, but I’m sleepy.”
Abigail Covington
Yes, well said. Keep it short and sweet. They’ll get the point. Maybe start yawning as you walk up the stairs, slump your shoulders, really sell it.
Mike Newall
Yeah, and look, if you’re usually game, No Thanks Not Today, then haven’t you built up some rapport with these wonderful elderly stoop/step drinkers? I am sure they don’t expect you to rip into the cocktails ‘til the first sign of the sun. They probably would just appreciate a neighborly goodnight.
Abigail Covington
Quick neighborly goodnights are lovely. Not every night can be a porch hang night. If you find that you’re less inclined to chat at certain days/times, maybe start dropping hints during conversation. “I’m always so tired on Tuesdays,” etc. Depending on how many cocktails they’ve indulged in, they’ll probably catch your drift and start quieting down on those days.
Whatever you do... don’t wait until you lose your temper and yell, “Stuff it you turkeys!” Or if you do, please write again, and tell us what happens.
Mike Newall
Look, there are certainly nightmare neighbors out there, much worse than those dedicated stoop/steps revelers. But I strongly believe one of things about rowhome living is the neighbors you bump up against and get to know and love. And with love comes honesty. So just say goodnight, No Thanks Not Today. They’ll get it. And you’ll see them tomorrow.
