This week’s question (Have your own? Email us.):

My roommate is dating someone who stays over most nights now. She keeps stuff in the fridge, uses our washer. Our place feels like her apartment too. What can I say? At what point, can I ask her to contribute to the rent?

Beatrice Forman, Food & Dining Reporter

Is this a safe space to out myself as the bad roommate with a live-in partner in another life?

Elizabeth Wellington, Features Columnist

Oh, this should be good. You go first.

Beatrice Forman

Okay well then … during my junior year of college I was the bad roommate who let her boyfriend move in with her and her roommate.

Elizabeth Wellington

Oh. What happened?

Beatrice Forman

He kind of just showed up with his stuff on my 20th birthday, and I just let it happen? I will say, I wanted my ex-boyfriend to pay his share of rent … and utilities … and do the dishes, so while it may seem like your roommate may not be aware of the dynamic, they probably are.

They probably just don’t know how to broach the subject with their partner because, if their partner is living there and not contributing, this is likely one of several issues in that relationship.

(But I may be projecting.)

Elizabeth Wellington

I think this is something you have to talk about when you realize the relationship may be getting serious.

And I also think it has a lot to do if the roommate likes her roommate’s partner.

Also, if the roommate is paying his/her part of the rent, why would you be asking for the girlfriend to pay?

Beatrice Forman

I actually think it’s an overstep even if you like the person because you didn’t sign up to live with them! I mean, in my experience my ex was a great guy: He cooked yummy dinners, was tall enough to get things down from the top shelf, affable, but he also wasn’t on the lease!

Elizabeth Wellington

Exactly. It’s about boundaries, not rent. So we have to figure out the best way to broach the subject.

Beatrice Forman

But I don’t think you can tell the partner straight up to pay rent — you need to make it a household conversation or empower your roommate to broach it. Otherwise, you’re inserting yourself in the relationship.

Elizabeth Wellington

I agree. I don’t think you ask the boyfriend to pay rent, especially if the rent is still getting paid. But you can set limits for how much time the significant other is there.

Beatrice Forman

Or, if the situation really is that the partner needs a place to stay, you have to make it about fairness vs. just the money. Are they contributing enough to warrant all that space in the fridge? Should they be chipping in on cleaning duties too if they’re there so much?

It’s about the overall dynamic, and splitting rent is part of that. Living arrangements can’t only be solved with throwing money at the problem.

Elizabeth Wellington

What’s the best way to broach that subject without starting a fight? Do you just talk it out with the roommate, or do you involve the roommate’s significant other?

Beatrice Forman

Drawing from my experience as the bad roommate, my poor friend just suffered in silence while my ex-boyfriend took advantage of us for a free place to stay because his roommates didn’t like that he was bad at picking up after himself.

That would’ve jolted me into realizing that the living situation wasn’t sustainable.

Elizabeth Wellington

Yikes. Did she suffer in silence because he wasn’t paying rent, or because she didn’t have privacy?

Beatrice Forman

Wasn’t paying rent! We had a two bedroom, two bathroom.

I was young and immature, not evil.

Elizabeth Wellington

So the idea is that everyone who is “living” there should be paying the same amount.

Beatrice Forman

Or something proportional!

Elizabeth Wellington

Well, how do we solve it then? Address it head on.

Yo. Your person living here is making me spend more money. What gives?

Beatrice Forman

Call a household meeting and maybe phrase it as: “I’ve been noticing that your partner has been staying here way more often, to the point where they seem like a third roommate sometimes. Are you comfortable asking them to contribute more in XYZ ways” from rent to whatever else is bugging you.

Because again, I would bet the roommate knows her partner is being a leech and might just need a kick in the butt to start the conversation.

Elizabeth Wellington

That sounds fair. But what if she doesn’t and she gets mad and you actually like your roommate?

Like, you have no other problems but the leachy boyfriend, do you just pray they break up?

Beatrice Forman

Then I think you need to have a very real conversation about how your name is on the lease, the partner’s isn’t, and if they don’t start contributing … it might be time to bring this to the landlord.

If the roommates are friends, they should be able to weather a leech of a partner.