America made some really strange things for its 250th birthday

Unsurprisingly, the United States of America found a lot of ways to celebrate its own birthday this year. Modesty never was one of our strong suits.

Events held to mark the 250th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence included concerts, reenactments, and Ultimate Fighting Championship matches on the White House lawn that future historians will have to grapple with someday.

Then there was the stuff: the products, promotions, and items people and companies created to commemorate, or to capitalize off of, the Semiquincentennial. Since receiving the first news release for 250th merchandise on Jan. 5, I’ve been collecting the more unusual items I’ve come across that were created in the name of this nation’s birthday.

As summer comes to a close, I’d like share my anthropological findings with you.

The National Bobblehead Hall of Fame and Museum in Milwaukee, Wis., has made a bobblehead for almost every pop culture figure and event over the last couple years. There’s a few of Pope Leo, two of Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino (“Old Sitch” and “New Sitch”), and one of Jimothy, the raccoon from Seattle who’s believed to have short spine syndrome and went viral earlier this year.

But the most improbable bobble — one seemingly even more difficult to create than a raccoon who appears to have no neck — is one without a head at all.

The Declaration of Independence bobble is among a series of 16 bobbleheads made for the nation’s 250th. It consists of a facsimile of the document that bounces back and forth on a small, brown pedestal with a magnifying glass on it.

The company confidently states that this is “the first bobble of Declaration of Independence,” and I’m pretty sure I don’t need to fact check that. Because when others ask: “Why in the world?” the National Bobblehead Hall of Fame and Museum asks: Why not? And make it bounce!

The Phillies and FOCO also got into the commemorative bobblehead game by creating one of the Phanatic in an Uncle Sam hat confidently riding a bald eagle like it was his hot dog cannon ATV. The eagle (who alas, is not Swoop) stands upon a podium wrapped with a banner that reads: “We the Phillies 250.” Sadly, it’s only available at the New Era Phillies Team Store at Citizens Bank Park and sadly, that store is no longer carrying the Liberty Bell Phillies cap I went in for when I spotted this.

You butter believe the Pennsylvania Farm Show churned out one of the most epic nods to our nation’s 250th back in January when it unveiled a sculpture of three Founding Fathers signing the Declaration of Independence made out of 1,000 pounds of Land O’ Lakes butter.

The sculptors, Jim Victor and Marie Pelton of Conshohocken, also added glasses of milk into the Founding Fathers’ hands in order to buttermilk the dairy theme. Also depicted in the sculpture are the Liberty Bell and Betsy Ross.

Just to clarify, when the Farm Show was over the butter was spread out to Reinford Farms in Juniata County, where it was turned into renewable energy in a methane digester, according to a news release.

One margarinely interesting fact: This isn’t the first time Benjamin Franklin appeared in a Farm Show butter sculpture. In 1991 he was the subject of the event’s first butter sculpture, and in 2007 he was sculpted again with the Liberty Bell, according to PennLive.

Among the more head scratching T-shirts about the nation’s 250th I saw was one I spotted during my first trip to a Buc-ee’s, in Mount Crawford, Va., this May. The convenience store is a temple to merchandising and consumerism so it was no surprise its 250th T-shirt, which featured its beaver mascot in an Uncle Sam hat, read: “I love America and Buc-ee’s too.” Because nothing says I love my country like equating your affection for it with a convenience store.

The other baffling T-shirts I saw were closer to home. This summer the Independence Visitor Center gift store had shirts that read: “Beers and 250 Years 1776 America” and “Land of the free America 250 years and beers.”

I’m not sure who their target audience was, ale I know is they finally managed to create a shirt that makes those “Ben Drankin’” ones seem classy. If the Visitor Center wanted to wordplay on beer, they missed a huge opportunity by not making “Pursuit of hoppiness” shirts.

Speaking of alcohol, that industry really stirred things up by creating a host of intoxicating beverages to cheers 250 years with.

When it comes to names, it’s hard to top the Semiquin-tini, a canned lemonade-and-vodka cocktail by Union Forge that comes in at 10% ABV.

Out in Pittsburgh, Wigle Whiskey teamed up with the Senator John Heinz History Center to resurrect one of George Washington’s favorite spirits, Cherry Bounce. The cordial, which Washington packed canteens of on long journeys, is made of tart cherries, spice, and brandy. It clocks in at 35% ABV, so don’t go trying to cross the Delaware after consuming it.

At Giant, I spotted “We the People” carbonated wine by Mano’s Wine of Kansas City, Mo. It was hard not to see it because it came in garish metallic rockets-red-glare bottles that I’m sure somebody shot fireworks out of once they finished it.

Next to those bottles on the supermarket shelf was something that actually made me gasp out loud: “Tears of Gettysburg” white wine. How did someone bottle the tears of Civil War soldiers? Why did they turn it into wine? And why market it for the anniversary of the Revolutionary War?

I had so many questions.

As it turns out, this sweet white wine (why are the tears sweet!?!) from Adams County Winery wasn’t made for the 250th, it was made for the 125th anniversary of the Battle of Gettysburg in 1988 and has been around ever since.

I know you may not believe me, but I totally called that signing of the Declaration of Independence butter sculpture at the Farm Show. As someone who waits every year for the butter sculpture reveal, it seemed like the most obvious and absurd choice.

What I did not expect, what none of us could have ever expected to be created to commemorate the nation’s 250th anniversary, was a Hallmark movie set in Philadelphia.

To Philly With Love, a two-hour history-mystery-romance movie, was clearly trying to be National Treasure meets The Notebook. But that goal was doomed from the start because a hallmark of Hallmark movies is the complete lack suspense or interesting plot. Captivating dialogue is also out.

This movie, which was partially filmed in Philly, also included a cliché cheesesteak scene, a character with no Philly accent telling someone it’s pronounced “wooder,” and a completely tone-deaf scene filmed at the President’s House Site.

The Founding Fathers left “the pursuit of happiness” open to interpretation and woodn’t you know, someone found a way to pursue it with toothpicks.

Steven J. Backman of San Francisco has made toothpick art for five decades. This year he created a sculpture of Independence Hall out of a single toothpick to mark the Semiquincentennial.

A few minor points: Backman used a Diamond toothpick and cut strands off it with a straight-edged razor. He then glued pieces into place without a magnifying glass, using only his naked eyes.

“I’m living in an American dream. … I’m doing something I love,” Backman told the Inquirer.

If you’ve got Semiquincentennial fever, the only prescription is more America 250-branded cowbells!

The Liberty Bell may get all the fame and glory, but these little guys — that come in red, white, or blue — are a fantastically annoying way to let people know you’ve arrived and you’re patriotic. Sure, you could play Stars and Stripes Forever on a kazoo, but it wouldn’t have the same ring to it.

Calling these souvenirs dumbbells would be udderly incorrect. They are keepsakes intended to be herd by future generations.