Parenthood: It's real & it's fabulous. (Yucky, too.)

I DROVE my wife, LaVeta, to a baby shower this weekend. There was food and laughter, games and gifts. Everyone seemed to have a really good time.

That's why I didn't want to stay too long. I might have blurted out one of those awful truths that seasoned parents know all too well. Rather than do that, I left as soon as I could and came home to write it all down.

If you're an expectant parent who's smart, you'll stash this column away in a safe place, because there will come a time when you'll need it. And when that time arrives, you'll want to be ready.

The first thing you have to know is that babies are cute. They're designed that way so that they can survive in spite of the fact that they don't have jobs. They're consumers, not producers. Well, let me take that back. They do produce one thing, but it's of no use to you unless you're short on fertilizer.

Still, we love our children, especially when they're babies. But it ain't easy; so, as a service to new parents, I'd like to offer this three-point guide. Hopefully, it's enough to help you maintain your sanity.

Newborns sleep when you're awake, they're awake when you're asleep, and they never take no for an answer. Newborns, my friend, are tyrants, and once they put that tiny foot on your neck, they keep it there for months at a time.

How can someone so small control you so easily? They do it just like the CIA - with sleep deprivation. I don't care if you're a mixed-martial-arts fighter, an ice-road trucker or a member of a biker gang. When a baby has kept you up for three weeks straight, you're nothing more than a blubbering mound of emotion. You don't know if you're going to laugh or cry. Half the time, you can't even remember your name.

But even as you rock back and forth with your arms wrapped around yourself, praying for the moment when that child will stop crying, you might as well know the truth. The wailing is going to cease one day, but you'll never be fully rested again. Maybe that's a good thing, because . . .

I'm convinced that if parents were fully awake, instead of the sleep-deprived zombies we are, we'd spend most of our time trying to scrub disgusting moments from our minds.

The horror show starts early on, when kids learn to use bodily fluids as weapons. Boys are particularly astute at this. So if your son targets you during one or more diaper changes, don't worry. This is normal behavior that will come in handy as the boy grows older. For example, my 8-year-old son is like Clint Eastwood with a water gun. He can hit a snake in the eye from 50 paces. Were it not for the target practice he engaged in as an infant, he would not be such a marksman today. Looking back on it now, those messy diaper changes sure came in handy.

Girls are just as bad. While they don't aim at you in the same way boys do, they manage to get their share of nasty in whenever they can. My daughters both made diaper deposits that still make me gag when I recall them. They also did the kind of hurling that would make Linda Blair's scenes in "The Exorcist" look like child's play.

Had I known that parenting a newborn was so heavily focused on mop-up duty, I probably would've gone ahead and bought that Hazmat suit I was considering. I didn't do that, and you shouldn't, either. Here's why.

The good news about parenting is that it's incredibly rewarding. The bad news is that it's extremely real. If you're not tired, you're not doing it right. If you're never frustrated, you don't care enough. If you're not cleaning up steamy piles, you're not close enough to the action.

Parenting is like real-life boot camp - at least that's how it's been for me. It's forced me to keep going when I wasn't at my best. It's made me wish for a do-over when I was at my worst. It's caused me to see that no matter what I do, real life is not going to be perfect.

But here's the silver lining for those experiencing parenthood for the very first time. If you love that kid with all you've got, that kid is going to love you back, and that, my friend, is the realest thing you'll ever know.