Below are more excerpts from the satirical Web site The Philadelphia Turkey (http//:www.phillyturkey. com). Note: These are works of satire; all quotations are fictitious.
Lancaster County Turns to Puppy Mills For Tourism
After conditions in its puppy mills were highlighted in an episode of
, Lancaster County officials are hoping that the newfound attention will boost the area's stagnating tourism industry.
"With the national spotlight squarely on our commercial kennels, we feel that now is the perfect time to promote these unique places as family-friendly destinations," said County Commissioner Dennis Stuckey, speaking from a squalid warehouse filled floor-to-ceiling with cages of sick, whimpering dogs. "Because, honestly, how many times can you take the kids to go watch an old lady churn butter?"
State Rep. David Hickernell agreed. "Lancaster County is home to some of the nation's most remarkably seedy dog factories," he boasted, kneeling in front of a miserable-looking German Shepherd. "And taking advantage of this existing resource will open up an entirely new revenue stream. I don't know why we didn't think of it sooner."
County Treasurer Craig Ebersole outlined how such funds would be obtained. "Of course, we'll charge admission, and anyone who wants to adopt one of our criminally neglected pups would be able to - for a fee," he said. "Each mill will also have a gift shop that will sell T-shirts, coffee mugs, and books on how to treat your own little doggy like a Venezuelan hostage."
Bill Smith - the Chester Springs animal welfare advocate who spoke on
- was infuriated by the county's plan. "First, they ignore these barely regulated places where thousands of animals are horrendously mistreated," he fumed. "Then, instead of remedying the situation, they turn around and try to cash in on it. It's a whole new level of disgusting."
Stuckey disagreed. "The animal-cruelty types are going to get all up in arms about it, which is predictable," he scoffed as he left the rank, grimy building. "But instead of condemning our puppy mills out of hand, they should come on over to Lancaster County and experience these fine kennels for themselves. Without hidden video cameras, of course."
Society Hill Erecting South St. Wall
In an attempt to preserve the serenity of one of Philadelphia's most prestigious neighborhoods, the Society Hill Civic Association announced yesterday that it would erect a wall between it and South St. . . .
[U]pon its completion in October, the privately funded, $96 million barrier will run along Lombard Street from Front to Seventh.
"People think of our neighborhood as tranquil; family-oriented," said Robert Statham, a Physick House tour guide. "But with its dingy bars and tattoo parlors, South St. is Society Hill's polar opposite. There's simply no way for us to coexist."
South St. Neighbors' Association president Gene Karlow, meanwhile, was far less enamored of plans for the 21-foot-high wall. "They've been wanting to do this for years - so once they got the permits and the funding, it was only a matter of time," he said, making his way down the chaotic, teen-filled thoroughfare. "I'm just worried that this will turn into some sort of weird Gaza Strip situation." Society Hill Civic Association president Sandra Greenberg, though, was reassuring: "We expect the wall to improve relations - now that there won't be any urinating mongoloids or hooting numbskulls treading through our little paradise."