'Boy Next Door' shows how low J.Lo can go
Universal's "The Boy Next Door" is almost so bad it's good. Well, at least they got the "bad" part of that equation right.
UNIVERSAL'S "The Boy Next Door" is almost so bad it's good. Well, at least they got the "bad" part of that equation right.
A risible stalker-thriller predicated on the absurd notion that Jennifer Lopez is still a movie star, it's "Fatal Attraction" without the rabbit. And mostly without the fear.
Ryan Guzman, of the later "Step Up" movies, is the man-candy who moves in next door to about-to-divorce suburban schoolteacher Claire (Lopez) and her shy, allergy-riddled teenage son, Kevin (Ian Nelson).
Dad (John Corbett) is a midlife-crisis cliche, driving the purple Dodge Challenger, promising to never sleep with his secretary again. So he's not quite still-in-the-picture. Enter Noah, the kindly, helpful 19-year-old taking care of his aged uncle next door.
Noah fixes a garage door, helps Kevin score points with the cute girl in high school and helps himself into Claire's classics literature class. Noah is "hot for teacher," or to go more modern, he's all about Claire, so he's "all about the bass."
Barbara Curry's clumsy script concocts a bad blind date to irk Claire, and a hysterically mature seduction when Noah gets Claire alone.
Since she's had a little wine, has peeked at him stripping at night and isn't shy about her own skimpy sleepwear, Claire is ripe for the plucking.
Her instant regret leads to a lame excuse: "I got caught up in the moment."
He's not having it.
And since we've seen flashes of Noah's temper, watched him take her son out for pistol target practice and seen Claire wonder if someone is sneaking into her house, we know what "The Boy Next Door" is capable of.
This isn't natural material for director Rob Cohen, who peaked with "Dragon" back in the last millennium. ("Stealth" is kind of where he's been ever since.)
The seduction scene plays like soft-core porn, the jokes are clunky and every punch is given away long before the fist is balled up.
Lopez is a gorgeous woman with the same mousy voice she came into the movies with 20 years ago. She's all about the makeup, the hair, the clothes. She plays the part like someone imitating a TV teacher, from her classroom posture to her delivery.
Guzman is an equally fine specimen, though he's a bit light on the menace and over-the-top in playing anger mismanagement.
The basics might be tried and true - obsessive hulk, vulnerable woman. But they'd have to be perfectly executed to work. And they aren't.
