Dear Abby | Platonic friendship suffers when communication dries up
What to do when they're no longer on the same page on talking?
DEAR ABBY: I’m a single man who has a close female friend who is also single. We live about a half-hour apart, so for the last 25 years, much of our relationship happened on the phone. We talked almost daily.
Two years ago, I noticed she had stopped calling me unless it was to make plans to get together. Then I noticed that when I called her, she’d let it go to voice mail and not return my call for days. About a year ago, she stopped returning my voice messages altogether. I tried reducing my calls drastically, but no dice. I also tried switching to texts, but she doesn’t respond to those, either.
You might conclude that she’s unfriending me, but that’s not the case. We still get together often for dinner or a movie, usually at her suggestion via email, and she still acts like we are close friends and nothing is wrong. But not returning, or even acknowledging, my calls or texts sure feels wrong to me. I have tried asking her about it, but she brushes it off by saying she “didn’t hear the phone.” Or she’s “bad at checking voice mail and texts.”
Her latest excuse is, she’s “just not good on the telephone.” Abby, I know phone etiquette has changed and young people rarely use the phone these days. But we are in our 60s, and for 25 years our relationship was largely on the phone. It’s one thing to want to cut back on that, or even to stop calling me. But ignoring my (now infrequent) calls or texts seems hurtful. Is this normal, and should I still consider such a person one of my closest friends?
— GHOSTED IN THE WEST
DEAR GHOSTED: A sudden change in pattern is not normal. SOMETHING has changed. Because you can’t get her to explain what has caused this change in her behavior, consider taking a page out of her playbook. Communicate with her via email only in response to her emails to you, and find some other friends who will treat you courteously.
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DEAR ABBY: I am a widow, and I miss my husband very much. We used to go out to dinner together often. I have friends I have dinners with, but sometimes I go out by myself. Every time I do, after I say I am dining alone, the host or hostess asks, “Just you?” It is like an insult — just me? Like I need a reminder that I am alone without a husband.
I recently mentioned this to a friend who told me he experiences the same thing when he dines alone. He, too, considers it insulting. Please share this with readers who work in the hospitality industry.
— JUST ME IN COLORADO
DEAR JUST ME: I’m printing your letter, but I think you may be reacting to a question that may be more about procedure than a social commentary. Your host or server may ask that question because they want to know whether the extra place settings should be removed from the table.
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DEAR READERS: As I reflect back on this past year, I also want to wish you a happy, healthy 2023. Did it fly by for you as quickly as it did for me? I will join you tonight in “toasting” a new year that, I hope, will be a less stressful one for all of us. If you are celebrating tonight, please take measures to protect not only your own health, but also the safety of others. Happy New Year, everyone!
— LOVE, ABBY