Protecting teens from coercive control starts with educating adults

Ashlee Murray is a medical doctor, academic, and public health researcher, as well as director of the STOP Intimate Partner Violence Program at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia.

A 15-year-old’s phone buzzes during dinner. She leaves the table to answer it, her food untouched. She recently quit soccer, stopped making plans with friends, and seems increasingly anxious, exhausted, and distracted.

As we mark Domestic Violence Awareness Month, the stories unfolding in the news are a sobering reminder that coercive control and abuse demand more than awareness — they require accountability and action. We need leaders and systems to hold people responsible for these harmful behaviors, and we need parents, teachers, and institutions to step in and do the right thing when something goes wrong. Above all, we must believe people when they share their stories.

As families and communities settle into the school year, many are juggling classes, activities, and after-school schedules. But this can also create new opportunities for unhealthy romantic relationships to take hold — or warning signs to go unnoticed.

Too often, the early signs of coercive control are dismissed as puppy love, teen drama, or the intensity of a first relationship. Wanting to see a partner every day, staying on the phone until falling asleep, and sending constant messages can be framed as devotion. But caring about someone does not mean demanding constant access or control. When affection becomes pressure, jealousy becomes surveillance, or attention becomes isolation.

It is not love. It is abuse.

Coercive control is a pattern of behavior used to gain power over another person. In teen relationships, it may not begin with obvious threats or physical violence. It may start quietly: a demand for a password, anger when a text is not answered immediately, pressure to share a location, criticism of clothing and friends or insistence that a partner skip practice to spend more time together. Over time, these demands shrink a young person’s world and shake their self-esteem and sense of safety.

Teens need to know they will be supported — not blamed or punished — when they ask for help.

But teens should not bear the burden of identifying and escaping from abuse. We must teach adults to notice warning signs the way we recognize physical health symptoms like concussions. We do not wait until young athletes collapse to take head injuries seriously. We teach coaches, parents, and students what to watch for and when to intervene. Safe teen relationships deserve the same care and preventive approach.

Given today’s climate, caregivers and educators must prioritize conversations about boundaries, consent, digital respect, and self-advocacy. Schools should build relationship skills into ongoing, developmentally appropriate health education rather than relying on a one-time assembly. Sports teams and extracurricular programs should discuss relationship safety alongside physical health, anti-hazing efforts, and physical conditioning. Adults, including teachers and coaches, need to use simple language for responding when a young person asks for help.

I encourage parents and caregivers to listen for “rules” disguised as love. Jealousy is not proof of devotion. Interrogating a partner, policing their clothes or friendships, and making them feel guilty for having a life outside the relationship are attempts to control them.

Specific red flags to look for with teens include:

I also encourage families to set clear rules. Teens do not need to share passwords or reply to every text or Snap right away. They have the right to spend time with friends and family and should never feel pressured to share photos, personal information, or physical affection. A healthy partner respects boundaries.

Most importantly, we must make sure teens feel comfortable talking to a trusted adult when something in a relationship does not feel right. Caregivers should respond calmly, listen without judgment, and reassure them that their safety comes first. Teens need to know they will be supported — not blamed or punished — when they ask for help.

Coercive control among teenagers is not a private issue. It is an early warning sign of harm and a community health concern. If we can educate adults to spot physical health signs, we can train them to spot controlling and unhealthy relationship patterns. The earlier we teach healthy boundaries and validate self-advocacy, the more likely young people will recognize that real love is kind, respectful, and supportive and does not demand control.