Wall Street-ish to English

These days many people are confused by economic reports for a simple reason: They don't understand the terminology. So here are a dozen updated definitions to help you understand what's going on in the markets.

Economic recovery: A period in which things get worse slowly in between periods when they get worse quickly.

Jobless recovery: An oxymoron favored by economists who still have jobs.

Wall Street: A very wealthy, sparsely populated, gated community surrounded by angry hordes of people living in much-diminished circumstances.

Analyst expectations: Guesses that are heralded when exceeded, but ignored at other times.

Bonuses: Contractual obligations that reward the undeserving, often disguised as increased salaries, stock options, or temporary fellowships at the U.S. Treasury.

The Street's best and brightest: Neither.

The new normal: The old poor.

Recession stock rally: A kind of financial road race in which all the drivers end up winning and most of the owners end up with big losses.

Ben, Larry, and Tim: Present-day version of Moe, Larry, and Curly, in business suits.

Lagging indicators: Economic benchmarks whose importance is downgraded lest they tell a tale different from the indicators officials are using to tell a happier tale.

Regulatory reform: New rules watered down to ensure that the economic recovery (see above) being brought about by The Street's best and brightest (see above) won't be hindered by economic reality (see below).

Economic reality: What we understand the morning after, when everyone says, "Next time, we won't believe that this time is different."