LADIES and gentlemen, I give you 10 beer things you never knew existed:

The Crowler

If a growler is a large bottle of draft beer to go, what's a Crowler? That's a large can of freshly tapped suds.

Oskar Blues Brewery, in Colorado, a pioneer in modern canned craft beer, developed a machine to fill and seal a 32-ounce can right at the bar. Locally, Village Idiot Brewing Co., in Mount Holly, N.J., has one and says it'll keep its contents fresh for 3 months.

The Knockout

It's a bottle-top attachment that makes it possible to chug beer and smoke weed at the same time. Or, in the words of its over-the-top promotional video: "It's the . . . demon spawn of a beer bong and a gravity bong. Just grip it, flip it and rip it."

Bud Light Lime Apple-Ahhh-Rita

Parsing the latest "Rita" is nearly impossible: Is it an apple-flavored margarita? A lime-infused cider? A diet beer sweetened with assorted nonlethal chemical flavorings? According to the press release, "It's a Bud Light Lime margarita twist on the appletini that's as simple as 'pop, pour over ice and enjoy.' "

I'm guessing it was created by the same geniuses behind the Knockout.

The Can Stamp

This ingenious invention solves the age-old problem of losing your beer can at a party. It's a plastic keychain device that imprints any aluminum can with indented block letters (e.g. IN USE or TAKEN or LUSH).

Next time someone swipes your half-empty can of Heady Topper, just show your stamp that says MINE.

The Growler Station Express

I filled up recently at a Mobil station in Charlottesville, Va., and I don't mean gas at $3 a gallon. Just a few steps from the gas pumps was a lineup of eight taps pouring very good beer into plastic or glass growlers.

I filled a half-gallon jug with fresh Southern Tier Pumking.

That's right, you can now fuel up with draft craft beer to go at a gas station.

At 9 percent alcohol, it was high octane, too.

The Beer Schlong's description speaks for itself: "Here are a pair of shorts with an attached schlong that can unzip and actually holds 2 beers."

True, it's just one of those joke Halloween costumes. But exactly what kind of person would have the, um, cojones to wear it? Get it for just $19.95.

Draftmark Tap System

Anheuser-Busch has developed a battery-powered, one-piece keg system that fits nicely into a refrigerator and costs just 50 bucks on Amazon.

Sounds great, right?

Unfortunately, you can't fill it with your own beer. And because there are only a few brands for sale (Budweiser, Michelob, Shock Top, Goose Island and Bass) in limited markets, it really hasn't caught on yet.

The Bar Stool Land Speed Record

Each September, teams head out to the Bonneville Salt Flats and race battery-powered bar stools. The competition and the records are overseen by the Utah Salt Flats Racing Association, the same body that sanctions races for supercharged rocket cars.

Helmeted riders straddle an actual stool on wheels (minimum height: 30 inches) and let 'er rip.

Current record: 55.935 mph, held by John Lee of California.

Saint Monday

Until the 18th century, it was common for workers to take off Mondays - a tradition stemming from the practice of enjoying too much beer on Sundays, their one free day each week. Invariably, the unofficial holiday would be attributed to some random saint, thus Saint Monday.

Blame the tradition's demise on Philadelphia's Benjamin ("Early to bed . . . ") Franklin, who attributed his success to never celebrating Saint Monday.

Original Schmidt's beer yeast

True, Philadelphia's largest brewery has been closed for more than 30 years, and its beer is dead and gone. But the yeast that fermented the famous lager and produced its distinctive crisp flavor still lives in the laboratories of Wyeast, one of the industry's main suppliers.

Called Yeast Strain No. 2272, it's used by both homebrewers and professionals, mainly to make light-bodied lagers.